I should add that this letter was entirely in Matt
Groening's handwriting... but the web is too limited to present it
The Producers of The Simpsons
PO Box 900
Beverly Hills, California 90213
O ye who make the stuff of life:
Enclosed you will find a letter that I sent to the pope a few weeks back,
asking his holiness to officially change the word "thursday" to
"simpsonday" on the Gregorian calendar.
As you will note, the letter was written on Simpsonday the 13th of
January, and posted soon thereafter.
I am writing you now to say that I really stuck out my neck for you. I
engaged in a direct correspondence with the pontiff in a move that, if all
goes well, stands to benefit you considerably. I put my name and
reputation with the pope on the line, and I feel that I have been sort of
let down by you, in that every show since I sent my letter to the Vatican
has been a repeat. This, I think, makes me look bad in Rome. It
tarnishes my formerly sterling name with John Paul, and I feel like my
papal rapport has been shattered, the shards driven through my hands and
feet in a less than exalted mixture of disappointment and humiliation.
I shudder to contemplate what his holiness, servant to the servants of
God, thinks of me now. I can see him so clearly, reading my letter,
rubbing his chin thoughtfully, commanding a cardinal or elder to wheel out
the holy television, and tuning into the Fox network, only to exclaim as
soon as Bart's blackboard appears, "Doh! I've seen this one!"
But, as the good book teaches us, what's done is done, forgive and forget.
And so I thought I'd just let you know: I tried, I really did, and could
you please please please start showing new episodes again as soon as
possible? Maybe the mail was delayed. You know how inefficient the
Italian postal system can be. There might still be time.
I'd hum the theme as a closing sentence, but technology hasn't gotten that
So this will have to do.
PS- Since I'm writing you anyway, I thought I'd throw a few ideas for
I will not trade arms for hostages.
Miss Crabopple is a beautiful woman.
I do not belong to the NRA.
I am not the messiah.
I will not perform circumcisions.
No one wants to see my tattoo.
I am a bad person.
I am not genetically superior.
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
Death is not a laughing matter.
Thou shalt not kill.
I am not a fugitive from the Ayatollah.
April 18, 1994
Chicago; IL 60657
Dear Mr. Petzall:
Thank you for your recent letter to Matt Groening and the
enclosure sent to "the Pope".
I wanted to let you know that the producers of The Simpsons do not
control the air schedule -- Twentieth Century Fox does. It may take more
than a dispensation from the Pope to stop repeats!
By the way, I'm enclosing our latest comic book in exchange for
knowing where you got a font that looks like Matt's printing.
I look forward to your reply.
Matt Groening Productions
8340 South Madison Ave
Burr Ridge, Illinois 60521
I have had a very disturbing experience at one of your video rental
stores, and I thought that I should let you know about it. Let me see.
It all happened on the night of January 26, at just about ten minutes
until midnight....ah, yes, it's all coming back to me now, it was at
EXACTLY ten minutes until midnight when I accompanied by three friends
arrived at your store at 5052 South Cottage Grove in Chicago, filled with
high hopes for a fun evening of cosy movie-watching which thanks to your
hitherto wonderful service has been so easy to do of late.
Eagerly, we jogged....well, no...it was much closer to skipping...so
anyway we skipped over to the shiny glass door of your fluorescently
glowing video outpost, flung it open like youngsters just home from school
and ready to get our cookies and milk. It was at this point that the
ugliness shocked us out of our glorious revelry and awoke us to the harsh
reality which can so often take place in Earth 1991. Your store was
closed! Shattered and confused, we checked our watches, checked the
time on the door, disbelievingly re-checked our watches, and not knowing
what to say or do, we stood there dumbfounded and crestfallen.
As we were standing in the security entryway to your store, a guard was
standing just near us, through that door which we so badly wanted to
"Store's closed," he stated.
"What do you mean closed?" we asked incredulously. "It says open to
midnight on the door and it's only ten 'til and we still have ten minutes
and we know what we want so can we just go and get it? The computer's
still up and there are still people looking for their movies and they
don't even know what they want and we do and your door is false
advertising and you get paid to work until midnight and so you should stay
open until midnight like you say and by this time we could've been out of
here and there are people still looking for movies and PLEASE!"
"Nope, we're closed," he replied, "We close at ten to the hour and you
know how it is when you've been working all day and you want to go home,
and those people made it in in time and you missed it, and you can't come
in, and it is false advertising, and even though you would've gotten here
earlier if you'd known we closed at ten 'til, you still can't come in."
He looked final. He looked decided. He looked proud of his display of
power over us who had looked to him for help.
Outraged at his tremendous audacity, we sauntered off toward our car. But
then thinking forward to the then future letter which you now hold in your
hand, I returned to ask him his name. But alas! When I asked him, he
remained silent. He would not tell me his name. I knocked on the
glass to catch the attention of the manager who stood beyond. "What's
your name?" I asked.
"I don't have nothing to do with it," he answered.
I could not believe it. Here I was, a potential customer who was being
denied the name of the manager! I was astonished. And it was only when I
threatened to call the Better Business Bureau that he eventually realized
his error in judgement. He had taken me for a dull, dumb and dominable
dolt, which I am not. He wrote his name, "Ray," on a slip of paper and
handed it to me through the door. At which point, still irate and
unsatisfied, and still before midnight, I returned to my car.
I hope that you have some method of dealing with such stunningly
outrageous insolence and rudeness. I enjoy renting movies from you, but
there are other video store in the area too.....
Seriously awaiting a reply,
8340 South Madison Ave
Burr Ridge, Illinois 60521
Once more, I have had a rather disturbing experience at one of your video
stores, an experience of which I think you should be made aware. Like the
first mishap (I hope you still have the letter I sent you about it), this
incident occurred at your store at 5052 South Cottage Grove in Chicago.
You see, last Thursday night, the fourteenth of February, I rented a VCP
from that store. The sign on the rental rack clearly said, "3 evenings,
$9.99." However, I learned that this sign is not entirely truthful, and
I am sure that once you understand my reasons for doubting its honesty you
will admit that it is very deceptive.
Suppose that on a Thursday night I were to rent a movie or VCP from your
store for one evening. Obviously, it would not be due that same night,
rather it would be owed on the next day, i.e. Friday, which is one day
later. If I had rented it on Thursday for two evenings, it would then be
proper for me to return it to you on Saturday, after two evenings have
passed. Therefore, it seems completely undeniable that when renting on a
Thursday something which claims to be a three-evening rental, it is due
back on the following Sunday. This is seventy-two hours, i.e. three days
later, and that is exactly what the sign offered. Were I to return the
VCP any earlier, I would not have the benefit of three full evenings of
watching, which the sign on the stand clearly promises.
Returning the VCP Sunday afternoon, I was told that it was late. A
charge of $7.50 was assessed and added to my account. I disagreed with
the manager on the very grounds presented above, and although he agreed
fully with my logic (as logic is infallible and I should know because I'm
a philosophy student), he was powerless to alter the way of things because
of one enormous obstacle: company policy. This seemingly
insurmountable force, although obviously misguided, rendered him helpless
to conduct business according to the tenets of common sense and
Therefore, I am writing you to request that you please remove the fine
from my account, as well as to insist that you correct either your policy
or the misleading sign. I'm serious.
By the way, the manager I spoke with was very friendly, unlike Ray, with
whom I have had dealings before, and also unlike Ray, this man solidly
claimed that your store closes at midnight "on the dot." I think that Ray
lied to me and should be disciplined. If you need another copy of the
letter conveying this first unfortunate incident, please write me at the
above address. I would be happy to re-provide you with one.
Thank you for your time,
Again, I received no direct response, but after I
sent this letter both Ray and the charge on my account mysteriously
Director, WYCA FM
6336 Calumet Avenue
Hammond, Indiana 46324
I have just listened to your radio station for the past half hour and I
must say that I am very disturbed by what I heard.
A sixteen year old girl called in to the preacher who was running the
show, and described her unpleasant home situation filled with unreasonable
household chores, unhelpfully lazy siblings and excessively strict and
unfair parents. The preacher DJ immediately accused this girl, who was
obviously feeling upset and forlorn because of her seemingly unending
imprisonment behind parental bars, of lying about the extent of her woes.
In this accusation he completely dominated her, he made her totally
defensive at a time when she was totally defenseless, and she buckled
under his pressure. From that point on she was his.
He made her repeat prayers. He told her to go to church. He told her
that her parents were right and that she was wrong, that her friends were
bad people and that she shouldn't go to parties but that she should stay
home, go to school, go to church, and that's all. He indoctrinated her
into his flock of controlees, he verbally lead her around by having her
repeat after him, by rambling on about how well she had just been saved by
Jesus or by telling her how grateful she should be to him, and then by
saying, "Am I right?" to her, causing over and over again a meek and
dominated "yes" from the girl's quiet voice.
He then exorcised "the rebellion spirit" from the girl over the radio. He
told her how much he had helped her. He told her that she had to write
him. He told her that she had to call him again. He told her that she
had to visit him. He told her that she had been saved. And then he hung
up on her.
He took advantage of her. He took a confused and depressed girl and he
made her think that she was bad. I don't think she was bad. Sixteen year
olds need friends and parties are natural. People are social. I think
her needs are not unusual, nor are they sins, as the preacher claimed. He
told her that in his opinion, and therefore in his idea of God's opinion,
she was a very very bad person, but that if she acts like he tells her to
act, if she never stops acting like he tells her to act, if she signs on
his dotted line, he'll think that she's OK and then God will too. He
completely wanted her to void herself of will and of personal character,
of "the rebellion spirit." I think that's highly unhealthy. That
same rebellion spirit founded America. That same rebellion spirit ended
slavery. That very same rebellion spirit supposedly caused Jesus to speak
out against the Romans. And he wanted to take that from her?
I think all he has done is to make her more confused than ever. He can't
tell her how much he has helped her -- she has to tell him that. Perhaps
he should re-evaluate what he's doing.
And perhaps you should re-evaluate what you are letting him do.
A little doubt never hurt.
The Weather Channel
2600 Cumberland Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia 30339
Yesterday my adorable beagle puppy Jonathan needed to go to the bathroom.
Preferring that he evacuate himself outside rather than inside my house, I
turned on your channel to determine the temperature out there. Winter in
Chicago can be rather Arctic at times, and I felt it prudent to assure my
own safety, as well as that of my cuddly young pet, against the bitter
elements. I have always considered television to be the best source for
information of any kind, and so I naturally assumed that your channel was
the proper choice. I turned my cable box and my attention to your station
in my time of need.
But the temperature was nowhere to be found. I sat there and I watched.
And I waited. And I watched. For a while. A long while. And although I
did learn about the weather during the past few days and the forecasts for
the next week, I was not given the most important information, the here
and now of weather, the temperature and wind-chill.
Ultimately, I had to simply shut off my TV and take Jonathan out for his
walk. He could wait no longer, no matter how engrossed he was in your
And he died.
My sweet charming squeezable huggable affectionate winsome amiable playful
little puppy friend died because of exposure to the extreme Chicago cold,
all because I was not furnished with the necessary information by you to
whom I turned when the going got tough.
I don't mean to make you feel guilty for the destruction of my friend, or
for the complete demolition of my holiday cheer the day before New Year's
Eve. I only wish to stress that you are The Weather Channel, and as such
ought to, in my opinion, display the outside temperature
perpetually, in small letters in the corner of the screen, during
all of the other wonderful programming you do.
I have to go bury my dog now.
Thanks for your help.
May 9, 1992
Editor in Chief
Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary
G. & C. Merriam Company
I was suffering a reality crisis a few days ago, and decided I needed
some definition. I therefore consulted your dictionary, which has always
served me very well in the past -- even now, I am employing the modified
semi-block letter format described therein.
However, in this particular instance, I encountered a problem. When
I looked up the word "reality", I discovered that something in reality is
something "in actual fact". I then headed over to the "F" section. When
I got to the word "fact", I learned that a fact is "an actual occurrence"
and "a piece of information presented as having objective reality". A bit
confused at finding the word "reality in its own definition, I went to the
word that both definitions employed: "actual". What I found was that
"actual" means "existing in fact or reality". I am now faced with these
three very important words, each of which uses the other two in its
So now, even more than being in a state of crisis about my own
reality, I am uncertain about that of your dictionary's validity.
And that is an actual fact. Really.
Very sincerely yours,
The Joker's Wild!
7800 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90036
I must say that I watch your show regularly, and although in general I am
quite pleased with your product, I have a few suggestions and comments
which hopefully might enable you to produce a more air-tight and
Pat is a good host. He's relaxed, gregarious, and comfortable with his
job. However, I feel that not only does his job description fail to
include, I believe it should actively exclude him from singing on the set
when the cameras are rolling. A few nights ago he let slip a few lines
from a Neil Diamond song, and honestly, although it demonstrated his
extreme comfort on the set of your show, I felt that it took away from the
integrity of the program in general.
Another problem I have with your show is that it seems to me that I have
never ever seen a Joker in any but the right hand window except when there
are "Joker! Joker! And a triple!!" Now, I have utter faith in the
integrity of your show to not fix the windows beforehand, but others could
look at this detail of the game and wonder...
Moreover, I think the show would feel much more personal and real-life if
the audience were shown more often. Occasionally I get a glimpse of them,
always from the back, but others who may not watch your program as
absorbedly as I might tend to think that there might not be any real
audience and only a cheering machine. I feel that showing the live fans
of the show to the millions of fans at home would promote a feeling of
unity and brotherhood among the viewers and would make the show seem far
And lastly, do you offer Jokers Wild! T-shirts? I would love one if you
Please send any response you might have, thoughts on my suggestions, or
any comments you'd like to make to me at the above address. I'd be happy
to read them.
Remembering the great Jack Barry but pleased with the also Great Pat
The Producers of TIC-TAC-DOUGH!
P.O. Box 48026
Los Angeles, California 90048
Like most unsuspecting viewers, I look to network programming not only as
a form of entertainment, but also as a source of education and guidance.
A few nights ago, November 16th to be precise, I was very disturbed by
something I "learned" on your show, the modernized version of that Wink
Martindale classic, TIC-TAC-DOUGH!
What distressed me was this: Patrick, or rather the writer behind
Patrick's unending fountain of knowledge, said that the word "Mrs." had no
unabbreviated form. This struck me as odd, since from my youth I have
always believed that "Mrs." was the short form of the archaic address
"Mistress." I investigated this matter, consulting Webster's
Collegiate Dictionary, and found that I was correct.
I would appreciate it if you would please please please be so careful in
the future in the wording of your questions. I was hoping to raise
children on your highly educational show. Now I'm not so sure.
The whole world is watching.......
Mr. Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood, bsmt.
Chicago, Illinois 60637
Dear Mr. Petzall;
Thank you for your interest in ITC's TIC TAC DOUGH. I regret to inform
you that we have decided to end the production of TIC TAC DOUGH, with the
final episodes to air sometime between now and the beginning of March.
The reason for this is a simple one, one that is common to new programs
trying to make a place for themselves in the television market. The
1990-1991 television season has proven to be a difficult one, with almost
every new syndicated program delivering viewer levels that were below
those expected by their distributors. TIC TAC DOUGH is a show that has
unfortunately fallen into this category. While we met with success in
certain key markets, TIC TAC DOUGH's overall performance in the United
States did not justify the cost that went in to producing it. Perhaps if
we had a few more viewers such as yourself, it would have been a different
story. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in the end of TIC TAC
DOUGH than we are.
Thank you once again for your viewing of TIC TAC DOUGH.
ITC Marketing Department
8800 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90069
I must say I was very upset to hear of the impending disappearance of a
show you distribute, The Joker's Wild!, from my local NBC station. It is
a show that I watch fervently, avidly, nightly. Indeed, I have written
two letters to the producers of the show, indicating to them my enjoyment
of their product as well as some suggestions I have thought of by which
they might increase their audience. And now I hear that you are pulling
the fragile roots of a young program just beginning to take hold from the
fertile ground of network television. I know that I am not the only
person who feels this way; I have many friends who also enjoy your
program. Thus it seems very important to me that I beg you please,
continue to broadcast The Joker's Wild! at all costs. It is very much
worth it and the absence of this fine program causes me to almost want to
personally boycott other shows which you may also distribute. I'm not
kidding. This one really hurts. If it's simply moving to another
network, or if it is indeed coming back but is now only on vacation, then
please write me and let me know...and if The Joker's Wild! is truly gone
for good, could you at least give me a reason for your decision to do this
so that I can try to rationalize it in my head? Thank you very much.
January 25, 1990
5758 South Kenwood
Chicago, IL 60637
Dear Mr. Petzall:
We would like to inform you to please contact your local NBC affiliate,
WMAQ-TV with any requests for renewing The Joker's Wild. This matter is
presently out of our hands and is up to individual stations which carry
We are sorry for any disappointment this might be causing but this is the
reality of the competitive world of television. Please continue to be an
The Producers of $100,000 Pyramid
c/o Orbis Communications
8800 Sunset Boulevard
Los Angeles, California 90069
As a die-hard fan of The Joker's Wild!, the program which you replaced on
Chicago's WMAQ-NBC television station, I must admit that your show is
better than I first thought it was, despite my reservations about liking
anything involved with removing such a great institution as The Joker's
Wild! from the air. That game show, like your own, was new in that
although its concept had been around since the days of the great Jack
Barry, it was a newly revised and modernized version of the same idea.
Your program is similarly based upon a classic game show from the past.
When I watch The Joker's Wild!, I notic several things which I think would
make it more enjoyable from the standpoint of the viewer at home...and if
I may, I'd like to share my thoughts about your show with you just as I
did with them.
My first question is very basic. It involves the judge of your show, who
either beeps his buzzer or rings his bell to indicate a legal or illegal
answer or strategy of play. I was wondering: what sort of qualifications
does this man have? What sort of privileged insight into the undoubtedly
complex system of rules which govern your program might this man possess
that he is permitted without reservation to call the shots of the entire
show as he does? I am very serious... baseball umpires must be specially
qualified, federal and civil judges must certainly have some degree or
other, so what justifies the amount of power your judge wields? And I'm
not being trivial...your game is high stakes. When one hundred thousand
dollars is on the line, I want to know who it is who can just buzz, beep
and ring that money away.
I was curious about something else, as well. How many episodes of
$100,000 Pyramid do you tape in a row? I was pondering the nature of
games such as yours, and realized that it would be completely impractical
to shoot only one half-hour at a time. I would imagine that you actually
shoot them in strings of six or eight at least, but I just thought I'd ask
in order that my idea be accurized.
Also, and I think that this is very important, your show is called
$100,000 Pyramid. This "pyramid" is a series of six boxes stacked with
three at the bottom, two on the three, and one box at the pinnacle of the
stack. But I have some unfortunate news for you: that is not a pyramid
-- it is a triangle. According to elementary mathematics, numbers such as
three, six, ten, fifteen and so on are triangular numbers (Tn= Sn1 n).
The pyramidal numbers are a bit more complex, because a pyramid is three
dimensional, unlike your two-dimensional triangle. The lowest pyramidal
number (apart from one, of course) is four, owing to the four corners of a
tetrahedron, the simplest pyramid shape. The next is ten, then sixteen,
and so on (Pn=4+6n). I am sorry to inform you that your show is
incorrectly named. But don't worry, it's not your fault...you didn't make
And finally, do you have any $100,000 Pyramid T-shirts? I would really
Thank you for continuing to churn out network game shows. It's nice to
see that even in the bowels of a global recession, there's still money
being awarded for minimal labor on the part of American middle-class
contestants like yours. Keep up the high production values....
Tom Freston, President
New York, New York 10019
Dear Mr. Freston,
The purpose of this letter is to let you know that I am really impressed
with what you have done. You sell time for broadcasting ads, i.e. music
videos, which you don't pay to produce, and then with the profits from
this you produce ultra-high-budget MTV spots which are, in general, better
than the music videos themselves. People all over the world turn on MTV
to see music videos, and they then also see your more interesting and
intelligent promo spots. Thus, the record companies are supplying you
with an enormous audience, and then paying you to upstage their videos.
In fact, I think that the contrast between the videos and your promos even
further accentuates your ads. So in the end, you end up with the record
companies' money, and a good deal of their publicity as well. Songs come
and go; MTV just keeps growing.
In fact, I really love that aspect of your programming: those short,
usually animated spots which inevitably evolve into the MTV logo on the
screen. I think those ads are great. The animation is excellent, and the
ideas first-rate. In my view, your MTV promos are more creative and
intelligent than just about anything else you air. I have seen numerous
such MTV animations in the U.S. and Europe (by the way, I think the
European ones are better), and I suppose that you must have accumulated
several hundreds of them by now.
So I have a suggestion for you: why don't you market a videotape filled
with those animated ads? This would benefit you in several ways.
Obviously, it would generate cash from these otherwise unmarketed
animations. But in addition to that, each tape would be brimming full
with nothing but advertising for your product.
Also, this idea seems a natural extension of a network which, beautifully,
is nearly pure advertising. It fits your concept. But most importantly,
the fact that people will buy this videotape, filled with your own
propaganda, solely because you tell them that they should, is an
opportunity for mass domination not to be missed.
Tom, I think we understand each other. And I think you see the beauty in
this scheme. If you carry it out, please send me a copy of the tape. I
want in on the joke, and I love those animations. And that way, I won't
have to miss out on them for fear of having to sit through yet another
In awe of your worldwide influence,
The New York Times
229 West 43rd Street
New York, New York 10036
I love subscribing to and reading your paper. The only problem with it
that I have is a stack of old, grey-and-yellowing papers ever increasing
in my apartment, and the motivation to load my car full of them and drive
nobly off to a recycling center dwindles more and more as the stack grows
higher and higher, heavier and heavier.
So I had an idea.
You could offer, as an extra service with extra fee, newspaper pick-up as
well as newspaper delivery. Every morning at 5:30 when little Johnny
makes his rounds, delivering the news du jour to the world's doorstep, he
could also take a few additional moments to collect the papers which he
distributed just the day before. They could be in a special box designed
just for this purpose.
I think this idea would work because a) you could charge for it and
therefore lose no money on it; b) you would be able to recycle your own
paper, thus saving you the cost of buying new or third-party recycled
paper; c) a larger percentage of your newspapers would be recycled,
creating a clean and healthy world where trees could feel safer; and d)
the American people are both lazy and constantly on the lookout for any
way they can relieve either their responsibilities or their consciences.
This plan would alleviate both.
So please at least consider this idea. The stack of papers in my house is
almost taller than me.
Thanks for your time,
H M Gousha
A DIvision of Simon & Schuster, Inc
15 Colombus Circle
New York, New York 10023
Ihave just returned home from a three week trip in which your
1991 Mobil Road Atlas and Trip Planning Guide came in more than
handy -- it was a necessary element of the journey. My friend and i
couldn't have gone all the places we did without it, and it is a very good
tool for road trips.
In light of my extended use of your product (and this is by no
means the first time I've used it), I have two comments to make regarding
Firstly, I'd like to say that it was not until we were literally driving
away from Mount Rushmore that we noticed the picture on the back of
your atlas of that giant mountain sculpture. The picture you printed
did the monument a great service in its vivid portrayal of a masterpiece
of artistic design and technological accomplishment, but it also did
the memorial as great a disservice, in that you printed it backwards.
I didn't take any pictures of the mountain, and I forgot to buy a postcard,
but if you accept the US Postal Service as a good enough authority,
then so do I, and if you'd look at this official US Postage Stamp, you
will see the proper order of the presidents from left to right: Washington,
Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln.
Apart from this error, your atlas is great, so thanks very much for
helping us coordinate such a fun and adventuresome trip, and please give
your cartographic division a pat on the back for me.
The Happy Humpers
11510 Montgomery Road
Beltsville, Maryland 20705
Until recently I had never given much thought to the music of Englebert
Humperdinck. For me he was just a funny name, something to chuckle over
in music stores. That was before -- before I found out about your
organization, that you exist and congregate in order to adore and admire
the work of Mr. Humperdinck, and I thought to myself, "Now, if enough
people think that he's good enough to start a fan club for, perhaps there
is something promising behind that funny name; maybe his music is
excellent; it could be that I'm missing out on a whole phenomenon. Wow.
I'd better investigate."
Thus, in the interest of fairness to you, myself, and Mr. Humperdinck, I
decided to write you and ask your professional opinion: which of the
Humper's numerous albums would be the best introduction to his Âuvre? Is
there one quintessential Humperdinck masterpiece not to be missed? And as
an expert Humpophile, what do you suggest that I should listen for in the
music in order to enjoy it most thoroughly?
If you respond to these questions, I promise that I will listen to Mr.
Humperdinck's music for the first time with an open mind, and that I will
write you again afterwards to let you know if you've converted me into yet
another Happy Humper.
sorry about the size of this scan, but I think the
handwriting is worth it.
I did eventually go to see Englebert Humperdinck
live... and then I didn't have the heart to write this nice lady with my