Illinois Pork Producers' Association
6411 South 6th Street Rd
Springfield, IL 62707-8630


Each day as I sit in the diner opposite my house, eating my bacon and drinking my milk, I wonder: why don't we drink pig milk?

Pork is such a natural and essential part of life. It gives us ham and bacon, spam and red-hots, pork chops and lard. But whereas cows give us so many delicious meat products, they also provide us with dairy. Pigs are mammals too. They lactate, don't they? Why don't we harvest it?

Does their milk taste bad? It is toxic? Is it simply unattractive, perhaps an opalescent brown-green that blinds all to its delicious flavor?

Is it hard to milk a pig? Do they produce enough milk to make it worthwhile? Is it too viscous or thin to be of any industrial or domestic use?

Can you make cheese from pork milk? Or yogurt? Or butter?

Can you cook with it? Make pasta sauce, or use the cream in fancy coffee drinks?

As you can see, I have lot of questions about pork dairy potential. It's a topic I don't know much about. But I want to, because I'm sure that there's a good reason for the way things are, and I'm curious about it.

Please write me back and let me know why such a potentially lucrative and delicious resource has not yet been tapped.

Thank you very much.

Guy Petzall.


Guy Petzall
1949 Henderson
Chicago, IL 60657
Dear Guy:

I was excited to hear that each day you sit down to a meal of bacon, because today's pork products are 31% leaner than they were ten years ago. Pork is delicious and very healthy as many physicians recognize it as a very important source of protein. But the opportunity they present to the dairy industry is very limited.

Porcine do lactate and their milk I will assume would taste great, because it is made of 8.5% fat in relation to the fat that makes up 3.5% of the components in cows milk. The other components such as lactose and water are found at nearly the same percentages in pig's milk. However, pigs will on average produce 13 lbs of milk in a day as compared to cows that produce 65 lbs of milk on average per day. Pigs unlike cows cannot become pregnant while lactating and therefore possess a severe economic problem to producers. whfle pigs consume less feed per day, economics does not allow pigs to be a viable source of dairy products.

The biggest challenge facing the porcine dairy industry is collecting the product. Pigs on average have fourteen teats as opposed to cows that have four teats. Pigs also differ from cows in their milk ejection time, a cows milk ejection is stimulated by the hoimone oxytocin and can last ten minutes, where as a pig's milk ejection time only last fifleen seconds as the suckling pigs stimulate the release of oxytoc in. The technology of a 14 cupped mechanized milking machine that can milk a pig in 15 seconds is not available to pork producers.

I hope I have answered your questions and I encourage you to think about developing a pig milking machine as you eat your bacon in the fixture.

Good Luck

Bradley Wolter
Pork Quality Assurance Intern

I guess working as a Pork Quality Assurance intern leaves you with a lot of time on your hands.


Victorinox Cutlerers


Let me begin by telling you that I love your knives. In fact, both for camping and around the home, I know of no more useful tool than a Victorinox. Your knives are durable, practical, and very well conceived. Each variety seems perfectly suited to its specific purpose (I have the camping type) and is carefully constructed to be of maximum utility.

However, one thing perplexes me, and it is primarily about this that I write to you. You see, the bottom of my Victorinox camping knife sports a hook which pulls out from the body of the knife, and I am uncertain about what that hook is supposed to do. I have shown it to several of my friends, but none of them has been able to provide me with a definitive answer. Some have suggested that it is for sliding down a zip-wire. Others think that it serves to tighten bootlaces. Still others hold that the hook can remove fishhooks from captured seafood, while another group maintains that it is simply a general-purpose hook, offering itself to whatever task requires it, whether that be closing overstuffed suitcases or retrieving lost tampons. Although each of these suggestions is conceivably correct, none of them has me absolutely convinced. I still long to know the official job for which this hook was designed.

Apart from this one feature, I use my knife all the time. I'm hooked on it. I only wonder what it should be hooked on? Please write me with an explanation, so that I can use my Victorinox knife to its fullest potential. The confusion about my knife is really cutting me up inside.

Eagerly awaiting a reply,

Guy Petzall.




They sent me this nice letter (how's that for Swiss efficiency?) and an informative booklet... something along the lines of "a hook is a hook, you silly American."

...well... I'll show THEM silly American!

Kimberly-Clark Corporation
Depends Division
351 Phelps Drive
Irving, TX 75038

Dear Lifestyle Enablers:

The bathroom in my apartment sits all the way at the back of the building, a long walk down a long hallway, a journey often made to seem even longer by the anxiety of urgent necessity. To compound this problem, I enjoy having parties in my home, yet with only one restroom so far away from the theater of action, you can imagine the congestion and discomfort that often ensue. But thanks to you, I think I have struck upon a way to resolve this issue, to let my friends relax, and to allow all their various conversations and enjoyments to proceed without interruption.

The idea is a simple one: lock the bathroom door, distribute Depends undergarments to each of my esteemed guests as they arrive, provide them with a space to install themselves into their new diapers, and then serve everyone lots and lots of liquid refreshments. Thus, I reason, their issue could be made into a non-issue. It's crude, but, you must admit (for such is your mission), effective.

But I don't like to go into such projects unprepared or uninformed -- half-assed, you might even say. So I would like to know some technical specifications, if you don't mind, prior to making concrete plans. First of all, I am curious to know something about how Depends undergarments function. Do they operate on the same principle as conventional diapers for young children, or is there a higher technology at play, something reserved for older incontinents? I imagine that all sorts of space-age polymers and gels might be employed, as well as any number of property-specific fabric layers cunningly concocted in your laboratory. Absorption control. Comfort control. Aroma control. Do tell.

Also, and this is a more practical matter, what is the holding capacity of your product? There must be some limit to the volume of exudate which your undergarments can handle before they absolutely must be changed for fresh ones, and in the interest of planning this little soiree, I would like to know that limit. One beer contains 12 ounces (355 ml), an average cocktail roughly half that amount. It would, in my opinion, be the height of poor taste to have less than the appropriate undergarment-to-libation ratio available to my distinguished friends.

Another area of concern regards the gender-flexibility of Depends undergarments. Do men and women need different products, either as a question of fit, or as a response to the chemical- and ph-variations between the sexes' respective outputs?

And lastly, what about "#2"? Since the restroom will inaccessible to my select invitees, and realizing that food will likely be served as well, the possibility for exträurinary effluvial release must be considered. Is your product equipped to serve this function?

Thank you for your help, and if you can think of any other details I may have overlooked, I would appreciate whatever expert advice you feel free to share.

I am relying on you, counting on your product, and hanging on your every word. I look forward to your response.

Most earnestly,

Guy Petzall.

July 11, 2000

Dear Mr. Petzall:

Thank you for your interest in DEPEND® absorbent products. In answer to your questions, we offer a variety of products for all levels of incontinence.

All our incontinence products, like our HUGGIES® diapers, have an ingredient called polyacrylate that turns liquid into a gel on contact. This special superabsorbent material locks fluid inside the pad or garment and helps neutralizes odors.

For light to moderate incontinence we would recommend our DEPEND@ Guards for Men. Designed for small but frequent urine loss, it is designed just for men. It has a cup-like fit for discreet protection and comfort, and is available in one size only with an 1 cup of liquid capacity.

For women, POISE@ pads offer a variety of pad products to help successfully manage light to moderate bladder control problems. Available in six sizes, the capacity of the pads range from 1/2 to 1-3/4 cups of liquid.

For moderate to heavy incontinence for both men and women, we would recommend our DEPEND® undergarments or DEPEND@ protective underwear. Both products are designed for one average voiding, or about 1-1/2 to 2 cups of liquid. DEPEND undergarments are a one-size fits-all garment for hips up to 65 inches. The DEPEND protective underwear is available in two sizes: Small/Medium size for hips 34-46 inches, Large size for hips 44-54 inches.

For heavy, continuous loss of bladder or bowel control or for night time use we recommend DEPEND@ fitted briefs or DEPEND Overnight fitted briefs. Both products are available in two sizesMedium size for hips 26 to 42 inches, size Large for hips 42-54 inches. Capacity is 3-1/2 cups for the regular briefs and 4-2/3 cup for the overnight style.

For additional information we hope you will visit our web site at www.depend.com.

Mr. Petzall, please accept the enclosed as our way of thanking you for contacting us. We value you as a customer and appreciate your interest in our products.


L. S. Eversole
Consumer Representative



Holographic coupons! I suppose they'd need some pretty high security. Those old folks can get fiesty.


Shirley Bradley, Director of Advertising
Shriners Hospital for Crippled Children
2211 N. Oak Park Boulevard
Chicago, Illinois 60635

To whomever might be interested,

Driving south on I-55 between Chicago and St. Louis to spend Thanksgiving with my family, I passed a truck sporting a small sign on its back panel.

Printed on the sign was the slogan "Expert Free Medical Care", and the name of your hospitals.

I think you have a word order problem here.

You see, the absence of the hyphen notwithstanding, your sign could very easily be read to mean "Expert-Free Medical Care," and no one wants medical care that is expert-free, no matter how cheap it is.

The sign, I think, would more appropriately read, "Free Expert Medical Care".

I know that you do good work and that you provide a solid and necessary service to the community. I just wanted to point out to you that your advertising campaign for that service could be better presented with the change I propose.

I hope you have a very joyous and plentiful holiday season.


Guy Petzall.

January 4, 1994

Mr. Guy Petzall
1949 West Henderson
Chicago, Illinois 60657

Dear Mr. Petzall:

Thank you for your letter. The information you have provided has been shared with Vickie Walter, Director of Public Relations.

The major advertising campaign is sponsored by our corporate headquarters. Your letter will be forwarded to their attention.

Very truly yours,

Salomea Bialas-Bittenbinder, R.N., N.S.
Director of Administrative Services/Human Resources


After a few months, I noticed that the signs on the backs of the trucks had been changed. Can you believe it!? I influenced Shriners!




British Airways
PO Box 5619
Sudbury Suffolk
CO10 2PG


I have flown a lot in my life, and I have never needed to use an airsick bag. Which, as far as I can tell, is pretty standard: in our current stage of societal development, air transport has become a common part of life. We grow up acclimatized to the motion, and we dont get sick. And it is for this reason, I suppose, that the flight I took just two days ago, flight BA-9 from Bangkok to Melbourne, did not offer airsickness bags as standard seat-pocket-phernalia. I admire your trust that we can handle ourselves on an airplane, and I admire that you have found a way to eliminate a material cost, thus making all the tickets cheaper as well. Your management system seems as streamlined as your aircraft.

I have also, however, traveled a great deal in Asia, in countries and environments where the people lead poorer and less sophisticated lives, on the whole, and where they have therefore not grown inured to the rigors of modern transportation. Vomiting while in motion is for them almost a cultural mandate, something really incredible to behold. Ive seen Malay children on boats spit up more than their entire body volume. Ive seen teenage Indonesian girls and their grandmothers become ill simply by sitting on a bus before it even starts to move. My friend Rick and I used to place bets, each time wed journey from one place to another, on who would lose their lunch first.

So what is my point? My point is that, as I sit here on this plane writing this letter, the Thai man on my right is looking a little bit uncomfortable. Which worries me a bit because I know that, should he require an airsick bag, my lap is about the closest approximation hes gonna find. Its a long flight already; this anxiety only makes it longer, and should he choose to avail himself of my surface as a receptacle for bile, it will be a very torturous 10-hours indeed, not to mention the poor light in which international customs agents tend to view people covered in vomit.

So please: return the airsick bags to their traditional location, sandwiched between the in-flight magazine and the safety card, and everyone will fly more comfortably. Just thinking about all the poor nauseated passengers with no outlet for digestive expression really makes me sick to my stomach, and with nowhere else to go with it, I thought it necessary to pour these feelings into an envelope, and seal it, and send it to you.

Having landed safely, punctually, unspattered and grateful,

Guy Petzall.

By the way, it turns out asians have been shown to be more susceptibe to motion sickness. Somebody should inform the corporations.


The Clorox Company
P.O. Box 24305
Oakland, California 94623


Standing in my friends' kitchen this evening, I spied what looked to be a plastic container of Purplesaurus Rex® flavored Kool-AidTM. I felt a sudden thirst, an overwhelming compulsion to drink, to seize the plastic spray-bottle and upend it into my arid, pasty mouth. But, as fate would have it, the delicious-looking purple fluid was not Kool-Aid at all.

The plastic bottle contained a combination of isopropanol, grease cutter, surfactants, and fragrance. Sound familiar? I almost gulped down 22 fluid ounces of your product, Formula 409TM.

Please know that I am an adult. I had no problem identifying my initial error easily in time to prevent myself from drinking your industrial-strength toxins. But, and I cannot stress this to you enough, I shudder to think of all the children who might not be so prudent. How could you be so unthinking? For while grease may be no match for Formula 409, the potential blood on your hands will be far more difficult to remove when untold innocents drink your poison and die. How often must this occur before you realize that, all marketing surveys aside, it's simply a bad idea to make cleansers look like food?

If you continue on your present course, I'll get my cleanser from another source.

Please clean up your act.


Guy Petzall.

June 8, 1994

Mr. Guy Petzall
1949 Henderson
Chicago, IL 60657

Dear Mr. Petzall:

Thank you for contacting us about our product FORMULA 409 glass and surface cleaner.

In developing a package for our products, our scientists investigate many options and test them for reliability and ease of use. Market tests are also done to seek consumers' opinions. Our final decision for a package is based on its appropriateness for the product, how strong and reliable it is for storage and transportation, and its cost. While we try to design a package that most consumers will find easy to use, we realize that we cannot meet the needs of everyone. Still, your comments are important to us.

Because I hope you will continue to use and enjoy our product, I am enclosing a complimentary coupon. Again, thank you for taking the time to write and share your opinions with us.


Product Specialist

enc: 22-ounce 409 glass and surface cleaner coupon

I tell them it's dangerous, they give me some free. I feel hunted.



Sainsbury's Supermarkets Ltd.
Stamford Street
London SE1 9LL


Even as I write to you, my friend Sarah is washing dishes downstairs using your product, Sainsbury's Spring Bliss Washing Up Liquid. But here's the thing: she's not rinsing them. She just washes them and drops them, plate and cup alike, still sudsy, into the dishrack , and there leaves them to dry.

While it is true that I like to eat greasy food, I'm not entirely convinced that your product's claim of offering "20% better grease cutting power" is the way to alleviate my heartburn, because my heartburn is in no small part caused by worry that the ingredients in your dish cleaning liquid might not be all that good for us to eat. Anionic surfactant, nonionic surfactant, amphoteric surfactant, hydrotrope, perfume and preservative: not my idea of a recipe for healthy living.

Yet Sarah insists that it's perfectly OK to consume unrinsed quantities of Spring Bliss, in fact she insists that no one in Britain ever bothers to rinse their dishes, and that your product is made to fit the fashion. I find this absolutely incredible, and therefore feel it necessary to write to you directly and ask if this is so.

I hope you have a truly blissful spring, and I look forward to your reply.

With all appropriate respect, Guy Petzall.





Dear Mr Petzall

Thank you very much for your letter.

I am personally aware of the debate had between Americans and British about whether to rinse or not to rinse after using Washing-up Liquid. Though originally from London I have spent sometime living in California and currently have an American housemate.

Under immense pressure from my American friends I agreed that I would rinse all dishes, cups, and so on under the water tap before allowing to dry on the side. This is a practice that I have continued to this day.

However, our Formulated Household Technician has told me that if the correct amount of washing-up liquid is used it is perfectly safe to allow the suds to dry on the washing-up without rinsing.

I hope that you find this information useful and that you and your friend will be able to reach a satisfactory compromise on this matter.

Thank you again for writing.

Yours sincerely

Adrian Johnson
Manager - Customer Relations

So, I suppose this means that if we ever want to reconquer England, all we'd need to do is to poison their soap supply. Easier than water, isn't it?


Cineplex Odeon Theaters
Corporate Office
70 East Lake Street
Chicago, Illinois, 60601


I love movies, especially on a big screen and with bright color film rather than low resolution videotape. However, one thing always disturbs me when I go to a theater. Unfailingly, during the course of a movie, someone has to go to the bathroom, or has to go home, or to the hospital, or whatever. And I'm not saying that these aren't good reasons to leave. What bothers me is that when they do exit the theater, in the very simple act of opening the door, they allow a blinding, piercing, annoying triangular shaft of light into the theater from the lobby beyond. And this bolt of light disrupts my viewing of the show.

Now, you may say that I am perhaps being picky, that these are the woes of theater life. And you would be right, except that a great deal of my annoyance at this seemingly trivial nuisance stems from my knowledge of how to curtail its ever happening. My idea is this: install at the backs of the theaters not regular swinging double doors, but a pair of completely black revolving doors. These doors would allow a great traffic of people through, as can be witnessed in any major city every day, and they would have the added benefits of being both quiet and light-tight. No leaks, no disturbance, better enjoyment of movies for the audience, and perhaps more eager and better-paying customers for you as well.

I have given this much thought, and I sincerely feel that with this you could "revolutionize" the movie theater industry.

Eagerly awaiting feedback on what I think is a great idea,

Guy Petzall.

Hoyts Cinemas Ltd
505 George St
Syndey 2000

Post Cereal
Kraft Foods
800 Westchester Avenue
Rye Brook, NY 10573 USA


This is not a letter of blame, nor of accusation. I simply want to inform you of a situation, and hope that you will understand. A few nights ago, I visited a Hoyt's cinema in Santiago de Chile to see a movie. To prevent interruption of the film, I decided to use the restroom before entering the theater. I followed the signs downstairs, found the appropriate door, went through it. Almost immediately, however, I exited again, shocked by what I had found. It took me a moment to get my bearings back, I felt disoriented, confused, uncomfortable. Because the restroom in that theater, although clean, hygenic, and completely unoffensive in every other way, smelled like Fruity Pebbles. Exactly like Fruity Pebbles. Bizarrely, precisely, incredibly, and unmistakably like Fruity Pebbles.

Now, I am neither a freak nor a fetishist, but I did have a very vivid childhood, and I know my breakfast cereals. And, like I said, this is neither a letter of blame nor accusation. But I would like to point out how disturbing this experience was for me. Despite the known flexibility of chemical flavorings across a wide variety of industries, certain categories of experience are so distinct, so divergent, so completely exclusive of one another -- and rightly so -- that when they are somehow merged, a very uncomfortable psychology results. For example, toilets and breakfast cereal, while perhaps sharing a causal connection, should by no means share anything else, and certainly not anything so evocative of essential character as an aroma. Add to this how easily the name Fruity Pebbles can be misconstrued in itself given alternative contexts, and you might begin to form some notion of the sudden dread which burgeoned within my psyche and which caused me to flee the restroom before I even got a chance to use it.

Needless to say, the second half of the film was a rather difficult experience for me, but that is beside the point. The point, simply put, is that bathrooms should not smell like food, nor should food smell like bathrooms. And so, regardless of how this event came about, I thought that you both should be alerted to it, so that you could work out between yourselves exactly how it is that the restroom of a Chilean cinema should come to smell like an American breakfast cereal. Until you do, each will continue to remind me of the other, and I won't be able to enjoy either one.

Thanks for everything. I'm going to the bathroom now.

Guy Petzall.

April 6, 2000

Dear Mr.Petzall,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us about POST Fruity PEBBLES Cereal.

We appreciate hearing from our consumers about what they expect from the products we produce. I have shared your comments with the appropriate area.

Your interest is greatly appreciated. Please do not hesitate to contact us again if you have any other questions or comments.


Kim McMiller
Consumer Resource Manager

...but still, I'm a big fan of writing to movie theaters...


United Artists Union Square 14 Theatre
850 Broadway
New York 10003


Yesterday I visited your theater with 3 friends to see the classic animated feature Yellow Submarine. Having seen the movie before, I expected to see a very funny, extremely psychedelic film featuring the music of the Beatles, enhanced with modern recording remixing techniques, and on a large screen with bright, crisp color. I got what I expected, and enjoyed the film.

I have also seen other movies at your theater, and I knew to expect comfortable seats, a nice screen, and excellent surround-sound speakers. Again, I was not disappointed: everything was as it should be, as I knew it would be, and I would definitely go to your theater to watch another film in the future.

However, before the film even began, while a United Artists Union Square 14 Theatre ad was flashing across the screen, I noticed that you claim to "guarantee a magical movie experience that exceeds our patrons' expectations." I did have a magical movie experience. But since I expected such, I have to admit that the experience as a whole did not live up to your guarantee. I therefore ask that you make good on your promise, and offer my friends and I complimentary tickets to the next show we would like to see. We want another magical movie experience.

And we'll watch for that ad again. Because though your theater is great, the tickets are expensive, and our accurate expectations are difficult to exceed. Thank you very much for the magical movie experiences, and I look forward to many more in the future.


Guy Petzall.

 November 8, 1999

Dear Sir,

I have received your letter and indeed our ad says we will exceed your expectations. I am therefore "making good" on our promise by enclosing two free passes for you to come again. I hope that the theatre will provide a more than magical experience this time around.

Feel free to drop us a comment anytime you feel necessary.

Thank you,

Peter A. Revutin
First Assistant Theatre Manager
Union Square 14

Perserverence pays off!


Amoco Corporation
Office of the Building
200 East Randolph Street
Chicago, Illinois 60601

Dear Sir...

Yesterday night, Monday February fourth, I was driving south on Lake Shore Drive shortly after midnight. Passing your building, which incidentally I think is one of the most beautiful in Chicago, I was astounded to see that nearly every window was lit. I was shocked. After all, you are Amoco, one of the chief oil companies in America, one of the largest suppliers of oil power to our country, yet practically every light in your entire monolithic eighty story building was on. It struck me as improbable that every office was occupied, that every light was needed. It seemed rather that very much energy was being wasted.

But this is nothing new. The American economy is in a large sense built upon waste, upon consumption and extravagance. But I was shocked that Amoco, a company that knows the value of energy, which has large assets at stake in the Gulf War, and which moreover owns one of the largest and most visible buildings in all of Chicago, would allow such conspicuous waste. I would think that you more than most would understand the need for a more conservative energy policy, that you would be among the first to implement such a policy, and that you would be in the forefront of energy conservation, setting an example for the community and the world.

If indeed every office was occupied and every light truly needed, then I apologize. But given the unlikelihood of this proposition, I must ask you to please think of the soldiers in the Middle East, fighting for among other things energy, and please consider how much of that energy you could save with a little prudence. If nothing else comes of this war, I hope that America emerges with a new and more sensible energy policy, but if this aspiration is to be so openly disregarded by as powerful and well known a community example as Amoco, then such a policy can have no chance of taking hold in general.

Thank you for your time,

Guy Petzall.


Robert C, Schoen Manager, Building Operations

March 4, 1991

Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood, bsmt.
Chicago, IL 60637

Dear Mr. Petzall:

I'd like to thank you for your letter, and let you know that we agree with your philosophy regarding energy management. Energy conservation is very important to Amoco and the nation, and every reasonable attempt should be made to conserve our resources and environment.

There are several factors regarding lighting management in the Amoco Building that may not be immediately obvious to an outside observer though. For example, approximately 50 percent of the building is occupied by outside tenants, who control their own schedules in regard to lighting. Several of these tenants have people working day and night.

In Amoco space, we primarily use open-office furniture planning, avoiding the use of floor-to-ceiling walls as much as possible. Therefore, any lights which are activated on the floor will be evident at the windows. At 7:00 p.m., our computer controlled lighting management system turns off approximately 40 percent of the lights. A reasonable level of lighting must remain on in order for the janitorial crews to clean the facility. Lighting on our floors is zoned, and our lighting management program allows us to activate and deactivate zones in accordance with the janitorial schedules. We have janitorial crews working 24 hours per day, although the bulk of their work is done by 1:30 a.m. At 1:30 a.m., most of the remaining lighting is deactivated with the exception of night lights for emergency egress and lighting in areas where people are working, creating the appearance that we've left all our lights on due to the open-office environment. The thing that isn't discernible by an outside viewer is that lighting levels are significantly reduced.

In comparing our energy costs per square foot to other high rise buildings, we are an exceptionally efficient building. In fact, we've been recognized by the American Society of Heating and Refrigeration Engineers for our energy management efforts. In addition to lighting management, we ve retrofitted our building systems to include heat recovery systems, outside air economizers, and variable air volume systems in the building interior zones.

We are continuously searching for new technology to improve our energy management efforts. In 1991, we anticipate the beginning of a project to eventually~ replace all fluorescent light fixtures in the building with higher efficiency, aesthetically pleasing light fixtures.

I hope this information helps to alleviate your concerns.

Robert C Schoen
Mail Code 3507A



Ms. Dorothy Puccini
Manager, Consumer Services
Procter & Gamble Company
P.O. Box 599
Cincinnati, Ohio 45201


My anus is very important to me. Not only is it one of the most tender and sensitive parts of my body, but I feel that it is by far one of the most useful as well. And I think that it deserves very careful, very gentle treatment. I have no desire to rub coarse-grain sandpaper on it, if you know what I mean.

In accordance with this personal be-nice-to-your-anus policy of mine, my companion Laurie and I recently purchased rolls of Charmin, Cottonelle and Northern bathroom tissues as well as your product, White Cloud. Thus armed, we conducted what we like to think of as a taste-test. We lived with them. We wiped with them. We blew our noses into them. And I am very happy to inform you that in our unanimous opinion, your bathroom tissue has won the contest.

White Cloud is, in our opinion, the most appropriate tissue to use when wiping very delicate areas of the body, and, as I said before, I consider the anus to be very delicate. It is a highly sensitive softness-detecting device, and your tissue came out on top with our bottoms.

I thought you would be interested in the results of an impartial, independent, and highly motivated examination.

Guy Petzall.

May 6, 1991
Mr. Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood, BSMT
Chicago IL 60637

Dear Mr. Petzall:

Thank you very much for taking the time to let us know how pleased you are with White Cloud.

It always brightens our day to bear from satisfied users of our products. We devote a great deal of time and work to developing and marketing brands we hope consumers will like, and we appreciate learning our efforts have been successful.

Many thanks for your thoughtfulness in writing. We look forward to serving you with our products for many years to come.


Michael Whiting Consumer Services

Dear Mr. Whiting:

Thank you very much for taking the time to let me know how pleased you are with my letter.

It always brightens my day to hear from satisfied readers of my letters. I devote a great deal of time and work to developing and sending letters I hope the recipient will like, and I appreciate learning my efforts have been successful.

Many thanks for your thoughtfulness in writing. And next time, try signing your response. It looks better.



Ms. Dorothy Puccini
Manager, Consumer Services
Procter & Gamble Company
P.O. Box 599
Cincinnati, Ohio 45201


Far be it from me to predict the future, especially where it concerns someone else's business and not my own, but I think it's time you realized that the next wave of technology to roll your way will be Crest Chewing GumÅ and that perhaps you had better get your surfboard waxed so that the future (not to mention Colgate) doesn't come crashing down onto you while you struggle to keep afloat.

No charge for the advice. Just mention my name in an ad somewhere and I'll be happy.

Guy Petzall.

PS- Please stop testing new products on live animals.

Dear Consumer:

Every month we receive hundreds of idea offers such as yours from the general public. The interest which prompts these offers certainly means a great deal to us, but our experience has shown that most of these ideas are either incomplete, not new or are currently being considered by us.

Legal issues associated with idea offers force us to be cautious in handling them. To avoid misunderstandings about ownership of an idea, our policy at Procter & Gamble is to accept only those ideas which are patented or have a patent pendin~. Ideas and suggestions in the areas of artwork, advertising, marketing, premiums, sales promotions and product names are better obtained from our own employees; therefore, we do not accept ideas in these areas from the general public. The enclosed form explains our policy in more detail.

If you have a patent or patent pending, you may submit your idea, along with a copy of the patent, to the address on the enclosed form. Sign the top copy of this form and send it along with your submission; keep the second copy of the form for your records. when your materials are received, they will be forwarded to the appropriate division in Procter & Gamble for evaluation. You will be notified of our decision by mail. Since we must have both, a copy of your patent and our form signed, we are unable to consider your idea offer at this time. For this reason we are returning your letter to you.

Thank you for your interest in Procter & Gamble.


C Rothwell
Consumer Services

P.S. Any material you sent us is being returned.

They make this product now.


Ms. Dorothy Puccini
Manager, Consumer Services
Procter & Gamble Company
P.O. Box 599
Cincinnati, Ohio 45201

Dear Ms. Puccini,

Like all Americans, I watch television, and have therefore observed through your numerous advertisements that ERA PLUS is the only laundry detergent with the amazing cleaning power of protein, and as we all know, protein gets out protein. In your ads, you show various words being written on different substances with your product: the word "grass" is inscribed in soap on a large grass stain, the word "blood" on a big red splotch, and so forth. Then, invariably, each patch of dirt and soap-script is sprayed with water, revealing in clean white letters ERA's powerful cleansing abilty. My question to you is this: where does that large red stain, that enormous field of dried blood, come from?

I have privately theorized about this mystery for years now. Perhaps you have made a deal with a local butcher who, rather than discarding all the blood of his animal victims, donates or sells it to you for use in your ads. However, this does not seem completely plausible to me, due to the difficulty and expense of transporting fresh blood. Perhaps, then, you have a butcher in the actual television studio, slaughtering pigs over clean white sheets which are then given to your cleanser-calligrapher. Or maybe it is beef blood.

This raises yet another question. Assuming that the blood used in your ads is not human, which I believe would go against FCC regulations, how can you be certain that your product will act as effectively on human blood as it seems to work on the vital juice of whatever animal you are using as a paradigm? That is to say, do you test your detergent on human blood, or do you simply assume that all sanguinary fluid clots, and therefore dissolves, in the same way? And if you do test ERA on human blood, where do your test specimens come from? I don't suppose that you have someone butchering people in the back room of some huge industrial complex for your detergent chemists to use for testing, do you? And if so, where do you get these people? Do you use children? Criminals? Immigrants, perhaps? Or human livestock raised specifically for this purpose? If the latter is the case, I hope that the strain you are using is one representative of the human race in general, at least as far as blood is concerned. I'd hate for all those arteries to be slit in vain.

I hope you respond to these very important questions. I won't feel comfortable using ERA until my worries about your sanguinary policies are thoroughly washed away.

Quizzically yours,

Guy Petzall.

May 6, 1993



Thank you for writing about the Era commercial.

We do notuse any type of blood in our commercials to write out words. We refer to Era removing protein stains like blood and grass. I'm sorry if the commercial was misleading.

We appreciate knowing your reaction to this commercial because we try hard to make our ads effective and appealing; A great deal of work goes into preparing commercials, and it's important for us to be aware of viewer response. I'm sharing your comments with our Advertising people

Thank you again for letting us hear from you.


Barbara Rhein
Consumer Services

Three cheers for truth in advertising! (But I bet it is real human blood anyway.)


Mrs. Cheryl Ragland
Director of Consumer Affairs
295 North Maple Avenue
Room 2349 F-2
Basking Ridge, New Jersey 07920


In general, I like your products, which have always in my opinion been more sturdy and stable than the telephone equipment produced by most of your competitors. Following this reasoning, I purchased one of your phones, model number 530. In many respects, I am very impressed with it. There is only one problem.

Whenever the telephone gets even the slightest bit wet or damp, it internally electronically takes itself off the hook. Even manually pushing the hang-up button down, has no effect: the phone spews out a dial tone unceasingly, ultimately concluding in that all too familiar "ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER-ER" ultra-loud "hang up your phone" sound so effectively employed by the telephone company. The only way to combat this is to unplug the entire unit, and even after this extreme measure has been taken, the "in use" light continues to flicker, running on battery power. This is very troubling.

Now, you may say that the phone is not designed to get wet, to which I have two replies: firstly, that the phone should be made to withstand at least a little bit of moisture, but when my hand is at all moist and I answer the phone I know that I'm going to be unplugging it soon; and second, "wet" is far too strong a word for the minimum phenomenon which can completely disable my telephonic existence -- yesterday I had the phone in the bathroom where I was showering, and the ambient humidity alone was enough to render the telephone useless for the rest of the night.

The Wicked Witch of the West may have been politically powerful, but since water was a lethal poison to her, she was robbed of her dominance. But where it took a whole bucketful to kill her, your product is susceptible to temporary destruction from mere atmospheric dampness. I am unhappy with my telephone because of its hydrophobic tendencies, and am curious to learn of your reaction to this horror story.

I'd have called you with this problem, but it's raining today.

Guy Petzall.

June 5, 1991

Mr. Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood
Chicago, IL 60637

Dear Mr. Petzall

This is in response to your letter to Ms. Ragland regarding the difficulties you have experienced with your telephone.

Customer Service Specialist Barry Ramsey was asked to call and offer his assistance, but he has been unsuccessful in reaching you by telephone. Kindly call him, collect, on 314 891-7364, at your convenience.

Mr. Petzall, we are committed to providing high quality products and will always stand behind them. We look forward to hearing from you soon.


Unsuccessful in reaching me, eh? Go figure.


Consumer Relations
Reebok International, Ltd.
100 Technology Center Court
Stoughton, Massachusetts 02072


I had always worn Adidas Stan Smith tennis shoes.

Last summer, I purchased my first pair of Reeboks.

Inside the shoe, written on the tongue, are the following words:

"From a tradition of over 90 years, these hand-made athletic shoes meet the demand for quality & performance required by today's athlete."

I have not found this to be the case.

An essential difference between the two types of shoes is that where the Adidas shoes are lined with some sort of petroleum-leather blend, yours have cloth lining.

Theirs last longer than yours.

Theirs slip on and off, yours wear through.

Four months after I purchased my Reebok sneakers, the cloth around the heel of each shoe had completely eroded away, exposing the leather underneath, and also exposing the plastic cup which gives support to the heel, but which now, in its unshielded state, acts as a razor-sharp blade of plastic which shaves a wafer-thin slice of flesh off of my heel each time I foolishly insert my foot into the shoe.

These hand-made athletic shoes did not meet the demand for quality & performance which I require.

And I'm not even an athlete of today.

And I don't like them.

And I'm not going to buy another pair.

Guy Petzall.









PHONE: 000-000-0000



Mr Stephen Jones
Managing Director / Chief Executive Officer
Greyhound Australia
Eddy Ave
Sydney NSW 2000

Dear Sir:

This is a letter of congratulations. I recently rode in one of your busses, an overnight from Dubbo, NSW to Brisbane, QLD, and I was surprised at the quality of the journey.

Even before I boarded, when I saw the driver tending to his mighty vehicle, I felt immediately assured by his confident demeanor and stable trustworthyness. I was also heartily impressed by his uniform. With his clean white knee-high socks, his dazzling white shorts, his brilliant white shirt -- and epaulets, no less -- his broad-brimmed insignia cap and brown loafers, he cut a massively present figure, a luminescent leader of people, a shepherd guiding our destinies. I entered the bus and found my seat without a hint of reservation or pause, feeling secure, safe. I knew I was in good hands.

And so you can imagine my delight when the bus started moving (on time, of course) and I realized that I had no neighbor! That worked out great, because although I am of average height, on your busses my knees always seem to rub painfully against the seat in front of me, especially, but not only, when its occupant has adjusted it to its reclining position. So with two seats at my disposal, I was free to lie across them, with my feet in the aisle, and using the window as a pillow. And while this was of course not as comfortable as my own bed at home, it still felt infinitely better than sitting back in one chair, even at a lazy 45 degree reclining angle. Somehow my back never quite matches the contours of your seats. But with two whole seats at my disposal! Of course I realize that they're not designed to be used together by those lucky enough to have the option (or they would be closer together and a little softer), but even so: what luxury! And over the course of the evening, as I watched Australia move past the window, the stars rotate and then the sky lighten into a spectacular dawn, I got to try a wide variety of different ways to arrange myself with the advantage of the double-space, searching for a more natural position. None was of course as comfortable as my own bed at home, but at least I had a choice of positions, and gratitude for it.

The video came as a pleasant surprise, and while I am generally not a fan of medium-budget films directed at pre-teen audiences, I am big enough to recognize the one you showed as an excellent example of the genre. So the movie played, the night deepened, and our steady driver prudently switched on his hi-beam headlights. And I suppose that the lights control must be located very near other switches on the dash, for, in turning on his bright lights, he, inadvertently, I think, switched on his public address microphone as well. From that point on, we sleepy passengers were treated to a constant and soothing hiss from the overhead speakers, soporific, like a single protracted wave endlessly in the process of crashing onto an eternal nighttime beach. This gentle soundtrack was only punctuated by occasional noises from our careful driver himself, an intermittent collection of gurgling, shifting, sniffling, throat-clearing, breathing sounds, comforting reminders of his persevering alertness, and also warm sounds in themselves, human sounds, as though in boarding his bus, we had each entered the moist security of his very womb...

Well, just suffice it to say that it did feel like a genuine rebirth when, punctual as pie, our bus pulled into the Brisbane Transit Centre, and I stepped out into the fresh Queensland morning air, energetic despite my lack of sleep, and ready to take on a new day, in a new place, thanks to you. You performed your service very adequately indeed, and I will definitely consider you first, the next time I need to travel and have no other means of transportation.

Give your driver my regards, and thanks for the ride.


Guy Petzall.


Guy Petzall

P.O Box 724207
Atlanta, Georgia 30339


I have just watched one of your commercials on CNN. It advertised a chemical weapon called Mace, which you manufacture.

In the ad, your product was described as a defensive weapon, whose primary use is to ward off assailants. I think that this is a misleading claim, as Mace has at least as much offensive capacity as it has protective capability. The thought of being mugged by an attacker bearing Mace makes me shudder, and you have to recognize that you are not just selling your chemical to honest, altruistic people, you are also indiscriminately distributing it to muggers, rapists, and other less than philanthropic customers as well.

In my opinion, so-called "defensive" weapons are inherently self-defeating in that in a very real way they create their own need. All weapons are offensive.

And so was your ad.


Guy Petzall

This next letter is too long, but I like it so much I'm including it anyway...


Fruit of the Loom
233 South Wacker Drive
Chicago, Illinois 60606


A harmless but obnoxious social malady has been plaguing our species for centuries and you, or more accurately the underpants you produce, are in a uniquely appropriate position to correct it. the problem I refer to is none other than rectal flatulence, breaking wind if you will, farting if you must, and although it does little actual damage, I feel that it is one of the most odious (not to mention odorous) of social afflictions. It should be curtailed if at all possible, and in this noble pursuit you can help.

Obviously you cannot stop the actual phenomenon of passing gas. Humans have passed their gas since the evolution of the digestive tract, and the only foreseeable preventative cure -- unpleasant dietary restrictions coupled with expensive medicinal supplements -- is truthfully not worth its goal: a fart-free society.

In my view, a symptomatic treatment would be preferable to this preventative solution. You see, it's not the physical process itself which is so alarming, but its primary side-effect: a fetid stench which embarrasses the odeur and discomforts the odee. It is this nasally abrasive aspect of flatus which I believe you are capable of combatting, and just what this fight entails is revealed through an analysis of the phenomenon itself.

What happens when people fart? Gasses build up in the intestinal tract, most likely as products of the digestive decomposition of food. These gasses eventually make their way to the only available point of departure, the anus, where through lack of social grace, loss of muscular control, or even intentional dispersal, they are sprayed outward into the surrounding air.

This all seems very natural, and it is. So why does it pose a problem to civilized society? It is because in their course of intestinal navigation, the aforementioned gasses must inevitably come into contact with that other digestive product, excrement. And as inevitably, tiny particles of that fecal matter are absorbed into and carried away by the bubbles of gas. When the gas is expelled into the air, trace amounts of this human waste, which are really small quantities of feces themselves, are rocketed airborne, where they are readily available for nasal inhalation. Thus we see that the gas itself is not the problem...it's the particles transported by the gas. When you smell a fart, there is shit in your nose, and through millennia of learning that our own waste is distasteful, this inhalation causes discomfort and even disgust to the innocent victim of this normal biological process.

You are asking yourselves now: how can we help? Well, I firmly believe that you can relieve this situation, and society at large, by making the aft, anal-protective panel of your underpants not out of cotton, as you have done in the past, but from a new, fecally impermeable material which I feel certain you are capable of developing. This new cloth would be as light as cotton, as well as allowing the passage of air like cotton. The primary difference would be that this new fabric, whether through its special weave, or perhaps its chemical composition, would inhibit the flow of fecal particles. It would simply filter them out, trapping them until later, when with proper laundering they could be washed safely away. Perhaps you could also include in your design a thin layer of actual cotton between this fecal-filtration layer and the wearer's skin in order to prevent disease, but such details I leave up to your engineering and sanitation departments.

Additionally, you could sell flavor packets or aerosol cans (or the more ecologically hip plastic pumps) with different aromas to apply to your new "spiffy skivys." Thus your customers' effluvia would smell more than just clean; they would smell of violets, chocolate, peppermint, or even licorice...whatever the client wants. This scented supplement would render desirable what is right now a heinous problem (or should I say an anus problem) while assuring you of future perfume sales. What helps the customer helps you too.

This line of products is most certainly a good idea: it would rid society of a noxious and awkward burden while simultaneously earning you money by providing a new and necessary product, thus keeping you one step ahead of your competitors. The next obstacle to overcome involves marketing. How does one advertise such a product? Bodily functions are often difficult to talk about, especially those with such powerful social stigmata. But although uncomfortable topics for general discussion, such bodily processes have another trait in common: they are shared by almost all mankind, and in that universality lies this product's overwhelming success. Following the tradition of tampons and anti-diarrheal medicines, your fartless undies will appeal to human sensibilities, if not human taste, and will eventually become standard practice in the undergarment industry. I am merely offering you the opportunity to get in on the ground floor. But proper advertising is the key.

Imagine this as an advertisement:

A man walks onto a stage. When the applause dies, light, popular music begins to play in the background. The man presses a microphone to the seat of his pants, and begins to break wind rhythmically, melodically, with the greatest control, in time and harmony with the music. He is using his anus as a musical instrument, trumpeting out a flatulent, but all the same virtuous, solo. It sounds really good. We then pan over to a young, attractive girl sitting in the front row of the audience. She gazes at the performer longingly, a groupie for his musical act. Now here's the clincher: zoom into her eyes, unfocus, crossfade to her thoughts. she is imagining him and her, wearing only Fruit of the Loom underwear, skipping through a field of roses on a beautiful, sunlit day. They skip to the flatulent melody, which continues to play, drifting lightly through the springtime afternoon. And the the voiceover and its accompanying on-screen letters: "There's no bad fumes with Fruit of the Looms." Fade out, as the couple disappear in each other's arms below the level of the rosebushes.

Or how about this:

A different man, this one rather corpulent, on a different stage. He sits at a long table over which reads a banner: "47th Annual Baked Bean Eating Contest". The man furiously, ravenously, disgustingly wolfs down giant spoonfuls of beans, two-fisted, out of an enormous vat. Perhaps there are competitors seated near him, but none even nearly so prodigious a beaneater as he. The whistle blows, they all stop eating, and he is pronounced the winner. Now cut to the backstage exit, surrounded by young girls who burst into shrieks and squeals when our winner comes out, a giant gold bean hanging from a ribbon around his neck. He puts his massive arm around one of the girls, and as he walks away from the crowd, looks over his shoulder at the camera, winks, pulls the waistband of his underpants out from his colossal blue-jeans, and twists it to reveal the Fruit of the Loom tag. Again the voice and words: "Feel free to 'WHOOM!' with Fruit of the Loom." And as the screen fades to black, we hear a loud, long, gut-ripping flatulation and a female giggle.

But perhaps you want simplicity. Imagine

a naked man lying on his stomach on the floor of an all-white room. All we see of him is his upper body, his head resting peacefully on his clasped, palms-down hands. The camera pans up and then over, so that we know we are looking at the space just above his buttocks. And then, as we hear him quite loudly and satisfyingly pass gas, rose petals spring up onto the screen, seemingly from his anus. The camera pans down, revealing that he is in fact not nude, but wearing only Fruit of the Loom underpants. We then pan back over to his face, presenting the audience with the original frame of the ad. The man smiles and says, "Fruit of the Loom. It's not that expensive to be inoffensive." Fade to black.

These examples play on the social acceptability of flatulence and flatulent noises when filtered through your underpants, but there are numerous other angles from which to advertise this amazing product. From an ecological standpoint, you could claim to be reducing one form of air pollution with your filtration fabric. Mexico City, particularly in the Summertime, has a real problem with airborne fecal dust. Or perhaps you would want to appeal to people's sense of anonymity. You could run an ad showing the Queen of England during a particularly solemn ceremony, suddenly rising and falling, almost unnoticeably, in her throne. She'd smile secretively to herself, followed by the quiet voiceover, "Fruit of the Loom...no one will ever know you farted." You could use the same idea with the Pope during high mass, letting the viewer know that no one, no matter how regal or papal, is immune to intestinal gas.

These are just a few ideas. I do not intend them to represent a carefully laid out advertising campaign, but simply to demonstrate the viability of such a product. These ads would be construed by some as offensive, by others as funny, but deep down every person who sees them will recognize the truth that these ads speak, and many will go out and buy themselves a pair. People are like that.

So please, write me back soon and let me know your professional and expert opinion of this great idea. I truly believe that the combined intestinal gas of America's citizens will blast you to the top of the industry. And just think -- no stink.

With warmest regards,

Guy Petzall.


  • We only pass gas...the shit stays put.
  • Don't let a fart keep you apart.
  • We pass no shit. Just air. that's it.
  • Your gaseous expulsions need not cause revulsions.
  • Keep your family, keep your friends, wear Fruit of the Loom on your rear end.
  • Your wife is dead, your fart has kil't'er, 'cause you wore no fecal filter.
  • Relieve your gut, but cover your butt.
  • Do it for those around you.
  • It's better than carrying Lysol with you everywhere.
  • For the same reason there's water in the toilet.
  • Eat Mexican food without being crude.
  • Your digestive motor produces such odor, but you could be stoppin' it and also be whoppin' it.
  • (The sound of a long, loud fart) There's no other word for it.
  • You smell gross. But you don't have to.
  • Wear Fruit of the Loom. And be a little social.
  • You'll clean up the air with our new underwear.
  • Why the stench?
  • If I'd known about these, I wouldn't have divorced my husband.
  • Give hoot. Don't pollute.
  • A fart can be art.
  • It's natural gas. Purify your resources.
  • God would want you to.
  • It's fine to expel it, but you don't have to smell it.
  • What, you want to smell like shit?!
  • Your neighbors will thank you.
  • Farting can be fun...if done safely.
  • Go ahead and eat the chili.
  • If passing gas must be your fate, take care not to asphyxiate.
  • Gas passed. Smell quelled.
  • "It smells good in here...did somebody fart?"
  • Go ahead and cut the cheese. No one will care, with shorts like these.
  • Be reticent and redolent, not noisy and noisome.
  • I used to be rank, I mean I really stank; But now I smell good, like all gentlemen should.
  • Don't court infamy because you are gamy.
  • (in a girl's voice): "If you're gonna be fetid then let's just forget it.


No reply, BUT -- years later (I'm such a visionary), they're starting to actually make this product!!! Here's the link.