A Collection of Letters

I should add that this letter was entirely in Matt Groening's handwriting... but the web is too limited to present it here.

30.January.1994
The Producers of The Simpsons
PO Box 900
Beverly Hills, California 90213
O ye who make the stuff of life:
Enclosed you will find a letter that I sent to the pope a few weeks back, asking his holiness to officially change the word "thursday" to "simpsonday" on the Gregorian calendar.
As you will note, the letter was written on Simpsonday the 13th of January, and posted soon thereafter.
I am writing you now to say that I really stuck out my neck for you. I engaged in a direct correspondence with the pontiff in a move that, if all goes well, stands to benefit you considerably. I put my name and reputation with the pope on the line, and I feel that I have been sort of let down by you, in that every show since I sent my letter to the Vatican has been a repeat. This, I think, makes me look bad in Rome. It tarnishes my formerly sterling name with John Paul, and I feel like my papal rapport has been shattered, the shards driven through my hands and feet in a less than exalted mixture of disappointment and humiliation.
I shudder to contemplate what his holiness, servant to the servants of God, thinks of me now. I can see him so clearly, reading my letter, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, commanding a cardinal or elder to wheel out the holy television, and tuning into the Fox network, only to exclaim as soon as Bart's blackboard appears, "Doh! I've seen this one!"
But, as the good book teaches us, what's done is done, forgive and forget. And so I thought I'd just let you know: I tried, I really did, and could you please please please start showing new episodes again as soon as possible? Maybe the mail was delayed. You know how inefficient the Italian postal system can be. There might still be time.
I'd hum the theme as a closing sentence, but technology hasn't gotten that good yet.
So this will have to do.
Apostolically,
Guy Petzall.

PS- Since I'm writing you anyway, I thought I'd throw a few ideas for Bart's blackboard:

I will not trade arms for hostages.
Miss Crabopple is a beautiful woman.
I do not belong to the NRA.
I am not the messiah.
I will not perform circumcisions.
No one wants to see my tattoo.
I am a bad person.
I am not genetically superior.
You can teach an old dog new tricks.
Death is not a laughing matter.
Thou shalt not kill.
I am not a fugitive from the Ayatollah.
-GP

April 18, 1994
Guy Petzall
1949 Henderson
Chicago; IL 60657
Dear Mr. Petzall:
Thank you for your recent letter to Matt Groening and the enclosure sent to "the Pope".
I wanted to let you know that the producers of The Simpsons do not control the air schedule -- Twentieth Century Fox does. It may take more than a dispensation from the Pope to stop repeats!
By the way, I'm enclosing our latest comic book in exchange for knowing where you got a font that looks like Matt's printing.
I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,

Jeannine Crowell
Executive Administrator
Matt Groening Productions

27-January-1991
Blockbuster Video
8340 South Madison Ave
Regional Headquarters
Burr Ridge, Illinois 60521
Gentlemen......
I have had a very disturbing experience at one of your video rental stores, and I thought that I should let you know about it. Let me see. It all happened on the night of January 26, at just about ten minutes until midnight....ah, yes, it's all coming back to me now, it was at EXACTLY ten minutes until midnight when I accompanied by three friends arrived at your store at 5052 South Cottage Grove in Chicago, filled with high hopes for a fun evening of cosy movie-watching which thanks to your hitherto wonderful service has been so easy to do of late.
Eagerly, we jogged....well, no...it was much closer to skipping...so anyway we skipped over to the shiny glass door of your fluorescently glowing video outpost, flung it open like youngsters just home from school and ready to get our cookies and milk. It was at this point that the ugliness shocked us out of our glorious revelry and awoke us to the harsh reality which can so often take place in Earth 1991. Your store was closed! Shattered and confused, we checked our watches, checked the time on the door, disbelievingly re-checked our watches, and not knowing what to say or do, we stood there dumbfounded and crestfallen.
As we were standing in the security entryway to your store, a guard was standing just near us, through that door which we so badly wanted to enter.
"Store's closed," he stated.
"What do you mean closed?" we asked incredulously. "It says open to midnight on the door and it's only ten 'til and we still have ten minutes and we know what we want so can we just go and get it? The computer's still up and there are still people looking for their movies and they don't even know what they want and we do and your door is false advertising and you get paid to work until midnight and so you should stay open until midnight like you say and by this time we could've been out of here and there are people still looking for movies and PLEASE!"
"Nope, we're closed," he replied, "We close at ten to the hour and you know how it is when you've been working all day and you want to go home, and those people made it in in time and you missed it, and you can't come in, and it is false advertising, and even though you would've gotten here earlier if you'd known we closed at ten 'til, you still can't come in."
He looked final. He looked decided. He looked proud of his display of power over us who had looked to him for help.
Outraged at his tremendous audacity, we sauntered off toward our car. But then thinking forward to the then future letter which you now hold in your hand, I returned to ask him his name. But alas! When I asked him, he remained silent. He would not tell me his name. I knocked on the glass to catch the attention of the manager who stood beyond. "What's your name?" I asked.
"I don't have nothing to do with it," he answered.
I could not believe it. Here I was, a potential customer who was being denied the name of the manager! I was astonished. And it was only when I threatened to call the Better Business Bureau that he eventually realized his error in judgement. He had taken me for a dull, dumb and dominable dolt, which I am not. He wrote his name, "Ray," on a slip of paper and handed it to me through the door. At which point, still irate and unsatisfied, and still before midnight, I returned to my car.
I hope that you have some method of dealing with such stunningly outrageous insolence and rudeness. I enjoy renting movies from you, but there are other video store in the area too.....
Seriously awaiting a reply,
Guy Petzall
#21726209413

18-February-1991
Blockbuster Video
Regional Headquarters
8340 South Madison Ave
Burr Ridge, Illinois 60521

Gentlemen....
Once more, I have had a rather disturbing experience at one of your video stores, an experience of which I think you should be made aware. Like the first mishap (I hope you still have the letter I sent you about it), this incident occurred at your store at 5052 South Cottage Grove in Chicago.
You see, last Thursday night, the fourteenth of February, I rented a VCP from that store. The sign on the rental rack clearly said, "3 evenings, $9.99." However, I learned that this sign is not entirely truthful, and I am sure that once you understand my reasons for doubting its honesty you will admit that it is very deceptive.
Suppose that on a Thursday night I were to rent a movie or VCP from your store for one evening. Obviously, it would not be due that same night, rather it would be owed on the next day, i.e. Friday, which is one day later. If I had rented it on Thursday for two evenings, it would then be proper for me to return it to you on Saturday, after two evenings have passed. Therefore, it seems completely undeniable that when renting on a Thursday something which claims to be a three-evening rental, it is due back on the following Sunday. This is seventy-two hours, i.e. three days later, and that is exactly what the sign offered. Were I to return the VCP any earlier, I would not have the benefit of three full evenings of watching, which the sign on the stand clearly promises.
Returning the VCP Sunday afternoon, I was told that it was late. A charge of $7.50 was assessed and added to my account. I disagreed with the manager on the very grounds presented above, and although he agreed fully with my logic (as logic is infallible and I should know because I'm a philosophy student), he was powerless to alter the way of things because of one enormous obstacle: company policy. This seemingly insurmountable force, although obviously misguided, rendered him helpless to conduct business according to the tenets of common sense and justice.
Therefore, I am writing you to request that you please remove the fine from my account, as well as to insist that you correct either your policy or the misleading sign. I'm serious.
By the way, the manager I spoke with was very friendly, unlike Ray, with whom I have had dealings before, and also unlike Ray, this man solidly claimed that your store closes at midnight "on the dot." I think that Ray lied to me and should be disciplined. If you need another copy of the letter conveying this first unfortunate incident, please write me at the above address. I would be happy to re-provide you with one.
Thank you for your time,
Guy Petzall.
#21726209413

Again, I received no direct response, but after I sent this letter both Ray and the charge on my account mysteriously disappeared.

3-March-1991
Director, WYCA FM
6336 Calumet Avenue
Hammond, Indiana 46324
Dear Sir....
I have just listened to your radio station for the past half hour and I must say that I am very disturbed by what I heard.
A sixteen year old girl called in to the preacher who was running the show, and described her unpleasant home situation filled with unreasonable household chores, unhelpfully lazy siblings and excessively strict and unfair parents. The preacher DJ immediately accused this girl, who was obviously feeling upset and forlorn because of her seemingly unending imprisonment behind parental bars, of lying about the extent of her woes. In this accusation he completely dominated her, he made her totally defensive at a time when she was totally defenseless, and she buckled under his pressure. From that point on she was his.
He made her repeat prayers. He told her to go to church. He told her that her parents were right and that she was wrong, that her friends were bad people and that she shouldn't go to parties but that she should stay home, go to school, go to church, and that's all. He indoctrinated her into his flock of controlees, he verbally lead her around by having her repeat after him, by rambling on about how well she had just been saved by Jesus or by telling her how grateful she should be to him, and then by saying, "Am I right?" to her, causing over and over again a meek and dominated "yes" from the girl's quiet voice.
He then exorcised "the rebellion spirit" from the girl over the radio. He told her how much he had helped her. He told her that she had to write him. He told her that she had to call him again. He told her that she had to visit him. He told her that she had been saved. And then he hung up on her.
He took advantage of her. He took a confused and depressed girl and he made her think that she was bad. I don't think she was bad. Sixteen year olds need friends and parties are natural. People are social. I think her needs are not unusual, nor are they sins, as the preacher claimed. He told her that in his opinion, and therefore in his idea of God's opinion, she was a very very bad person, but that if she acts like he tells her to act, if she never stops acting like he tells her to act, if she signs on his dotted line, he'll think that she's OK and then God will too. He completely wanted her to void herself of will and of personal character, of "the rebellion spirit." I think that's highly unhealthy. That same rebellion spirit founded America. That same rebellion spirit ended slavery. That very same rebellion spirit supposedly caused Jesus to speak out against the Romans. And he wanted to take that from her?
I think all he has done is to make her more confused than ever. He can't tell her how much he has helped her -- she has to tell him that. Perhaps he should re-evaluate what he's doing.
And perhaps you should re-evaluate what you are letting him do.
A little doubt never hurt.
Guy Petzall.

30.December.1993
The Weather Channel
2600 Cumberland Parkway
Atlanta, Georgia 30339
Dear Meteorologicians,
Yesterday my adorable beagle puppy Jonathan needed to go to the bathroom. Preferring that he evacuate himself outside rather than inside my house, I turned on your channel to determine the temperature out there. Winter in Chicago can be rather Arctic at times, and I felt it prudent to assure my own safety, as well as that of my cuddly young pet, against the bitter elements. I have always considered television to be the best source for information of any kind, and so I naturally assumed that your channel was the proper choice. I turned my cable box and my attention to your station in my time of need.
But the temperature was nowhere to be found. I sat there and I watched. And I waited. And I watched. For a while. A long while. And although I did learn about the weather during the past few days and the forecasts for the next week, I was not given the most important information, the here and now of weather, the temperature and wind-chill.
Ultimately, I had to simply shut off my TV and take Jonathan out for his walk. He could wait no longer, no matter how engrossed he was in your programming.
And he died.
My sweet charming squeezable huggable affectionate winsome amiable playful little puppy friend died because of exposure to the extreme Chicago cold, all because I was not furnished with the necessary information by you to whom I turned when the going got tough.
I don't mean to make you feel guilty for the destruction of my friend, or for the complete demolition of my holiday cheer the day before New Year's Eve. I only wish to stress that you are The Weather Channel, and as such ought to, in my opinion, display the outside temperature perpetually, in small letters in the corner of the screen, during all of the other wonderful programming you do.
I have to go bury my dog now.
Thanks for your help.
Guy Petzall.

May 9, 1992
Editor in Chief
Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary
G. & C. Merriam Company
Springfield, Massachusetts
Dear Sir,
I was suffering a reality crisis a few days ago, and decided I needed some definition. I therefore consulted your dictionary, which has always served me very well in the past -- even now, I am employing the modified semi-block letter format described therein.
However, in this particular instance, I encountered a problem. When I looked up the word "reality", I discovered that something in reality is something "in actual fact". I then headed over to the "F" section. When I got to the word "fact", I learned that a fact is "an actual occurrence" and "a piece of information presented as having objective reality". A bit confused at finding the word "reality in its own definition, I went to the word that both definitions employed: "actual". What I found was that "actual" means "existing in fact or reality". I am now faced with these three very important words, each of which uses the other two in its definition.
So now, even more than being in a state of crisis about my own reality, I am uncertain about that of your dictionary's validity.
And that is an actual fact. Really.
Very sincerely yours,
Guy Petzall.

7-December-1990
The Producers
The Joker's Wild!
7800 Beverly Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Gentlemen:
I must say that I watch your show regularly, and although in general I am quite pleased with your product, I have a few suggestions and comments which hopefully might enable you to produce a more air-tight and fulfilling show.
Pat is a good host. He's relaxed, gregarious, and comfortable with his job. However, I feel that not only does his job description fail to include, I believe it should actively exclude him from singing on the set when the cameras are rolling. A few nights ago he let slip a few lines from a Neil Diamond song, and honestly, although it demonstrated his extreme comfort on the set of your show, I felt that it took away from the integrity of the program in general.
Another problem I have with your show is that it seems to me that I have never ever seen a Joker in any but the right hand window except when there are "Joker! Joker! And a triple!!" Now, I have utter faith in the integrity of your show to not fix the windows beforehand, but others could look at this detail of the game and wonder...
Moreover, I think the show would feel much more personal and real-life if the audience were shown more often. Occasionally I get a glimpse of them, always from the back, but others who may not watch your program as absorbedly as I might tend to think that there might not be any real audience and only a cheering machine. I feel that showing the live fans of the show to the millions of fans at home would promote a feeling of unity and brotherhood among the viewers and would make the show seem far more realistic.
And lastly, do you offer Jokers Wild! T-shirts? I would love one if you do.
Please send any response you might have, thoughts on my suggestions, or any comments you'd like to make to me at the above address. I'd be happy to read them.
Remembering the great Jack Barry but pleased with the also Great Pat Finn,
Guy Petzall.

8.December.1990
The Producers of TIC-TAC-DOUGH!
P.O. Box 48026
Los Angeles, California 90048
Gentlemen.....
Like most unsuspecting viewers, I look to network programming not only as a form of entertainment, but also as a source of education and guidance. A few nights ago, November 16th to be precise, I was very disturbed by something I "learned" on your show, the modernized version of that Wink Martindale classic, TIC-TAC-DOUGH!
What distressed me was this: Patrick, or rather the writer behind Patrick's unending fountain of knowledge, said that the word "Mrs." had no unabbreviated form. This struck me as odd, since from my youth I have always believed that "Mrs." was the short form of the archaic address "Mistress." I investigated this matter, consulting Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, and found that I was correct.
I would appreciate it if you would please please please be so careful in the future in the wording of your questions. I was hoping to raise children on your highly educational show. Now I'm not so sure.
The whole world is watching.......
Guy Petzall

Mr. Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood, bsmt.
Chicago, Illinois 60637
Dear Mr. Petzall;
Thank you for your interest in ITC's TIC TAC DOUGH. I regret to inform you that we have decided to end the production of TIC TAC DOUGH, with the final episodes to air sometime between now and the beginning of March. The reason for this is a simple one, one that is common to new programs trying to make a place for themselves in the television market. The 1990-1991 television season has proven to be a difficult one, with almost every new syndicated program delivering viewer levels that were below those expected by their distributors. TIC TAC DOUGH is a show that has unfortunately fallen into this category. While we met with success in certain key markets, TIC TAC DOUGH's overall performance in the United States did not justify the cost that went in to producing it. Perhaps if we had a few more viewers such as yourself, it would have been a different story. Believe me, no one is more disappointed in the end of TIC TAC DOUGH than we are.
Thank you once again for your viewing of TIC TAC DOUGH.
Bruce Sussman
ITC Marketing Department

19-January-1991
Orbis Communications
8800 Sunset Boulevard
Suite 501
Los Angeles, California 90069
Gentlemen.....
I must say I was very upset to hear of the impending disappearance of a show you distribute, The Joker's Wild!, from my local NBC station. It is a show that I watch fervently, avidly, nightly. Indeed, I have written two letters to the producers of the show, indicating to them my enjoyment of their product as well as some suggestions I have thought of by which they might increase their audience. And now I hear that you are pulling the fragile roots of a young program just beginning to take hold from the fertile ground of network television. I know that I am not the only person who feels this way; I have many friends who also enjoy your program. Thus it seems very important to me that I beg you please, continue to broadcast The Joker's Wild! at all costs. It is very much worth it and the absence of this fine program causes me to almost want to personally boycott other shows which you may also distribute. I'm not kidding. This one really hurts. If it's simply moving to another network, or if it is indeed coming back but is now only on vacation, then please write me and let me know...and if The Joker's Wild! is truly gone for good, could you at least give me a reason for your decision to do this so that I can try to rationalize it in my head? Thank you very much.
Guy Petzall.

January 25, 1990
Guy Petzall
5758 South Kenwood
Chicago, IL 60637

Dear Mr. Petzall:
We would like to inform you to please contact your local NBC affiliate, WMAQ-TV with any requests for renewing The Joker's Wild. This matter is presently out of our hands and is up to individual stations which carry the program.
We are sorry for any disappointment this might be causing but this is the reality of the competitive world of television. Please continue to be an avid viewer.

Sincerely,
P. Michaels
Development Coordinator

14-February-1991
The Producers of $100,000 Pyramid
c/o Orbis Communications
8800 Sunset Boulevard
Suite 501
Los Angeles, California 90069
Gentlemen...
As a die-hard fan of The Joker's Wild!, the program which you replaced on Chicago's WMAQ-NBC television station, I must admit that your show is better than I first thought it was, despite my reservations about liking anything involved with removing such a great institution as The Joker's Wild! from the air. That game show, like your own, was new in that although its concept had been around since the days of the great Jack Barry, it was a newly revised and modernized version of the same idea. Your program is similarly based upon a classic game show from the past. When I watch The Joker's Wild!, I notic several things which I think would make it more enjoyable from the standpoint of the viewer at home...and if I may, I'd like to share my thoughts about your show with you just as I did with them.
My first question is very basic. It involves the judge of your show, who either beeps his buzzer or rings his bell to indicate a legal or illegal answer or strategy of play. I was wondering: what sort of qualifications does this man have? What sort of privileged insight into the undoubtedly complex system of rules which govern your program might this man possess that he is permitted without reservation to call the shots of the entire show as he does? I am very serious... baseball umpires must be specially qualified, federal and civil judges must certainly have some degree or other, so what justifies the amount of power your judge wields? And I'm not being trivial...your game is high stakes. When one hundred thousand dollars is on the line, I want to know who it is who can just buzz, beep and ring that money away.
I was curious about something else, as well. How many episodes of $100,000 Pyramid do you tape in a row? I was pondering the nature of games such as yours, and realized that it would be completely impractical to shoot only one half-hour at a time. I would imagine that you actually shoot them in strings of six or eight at least, but I just thought I'd ask in order that my idea be accurized.
Also, and I think that this is very important, your show is called $100,000 Pyramid. This "pyramid" is a series of six boxes stacked with three at the bottom, two on the three, and one box at the pinnacle of the stack. But I have some unfortunate news for you: that is not a pyramid -- it is a triangle. According to elementary mathematics, numbers such as three, six, ten, fifteen and so on are triangular numbers (Tn= Sn1 n). The pyramidal numbers are a bit more complex, because a pyramid is three dimensional, unlike your two-dimensional triangle. The lowest pyramidal number (apart from one, of course) is four, owing to the four corners of a tetrahedron, the simplest pyramid shape. The next is ten, then sixteen, and so on (Pn=4+6n). I am sorry to inform you that your show is incorrectly named. But don't worry, it's not your fault...you didn't make it up.

And finally, do you have any $100,000 Pyramid T-shirts? I would really like one.
Thank you for continuing to churn out network game shows. It's nice to see that even in the bowels of a global recession, there's still money being awarded for minimal labor on the part of American middle-class contestants like yours. Keep up the high production values....
Guy Petzall.

4.October.1992
Tom Freston, President
MTV
1775 Broadway
New York, New York 10019
Dear Mr. Freston,
The purpose of this letter is to let you know that I am really impressed with what you have done. You sell time for broadcasting ads, i.e. music videos, which you don't pay to produce, and then with the profits from this you produce ultra-high-budget MTV spots which are, in general, better than the music videos themselves. People all over the world turn on MTV to see music videos, and they then also see your more interesting and intelligent promo spots. Thus, the record companies are supplying you with an enormous audience, and then paying you to upstage their videos. In fact, I think that the contrast between the videos and your promos even further accentuates your ads. So in the end, you end up with the record companies' money, and a good deal of their publicity as well. Songs come and go; MTV just keeps growing.
In fact, I really love that aspect of your programming: those short, usually animated spots which inevitably evolve into the MTV logo on the screen. I think those ads are great. The animation is excellent, and the ideas first-rate. In my view, your MTV promos are more creative and intelligent than just about anything else you air. I have seen numerous such MTV animations in the U.S. and Europe (by the way, I think the European ones are better), and I suppose that you must have accumulated several hundreds of them by now.
So I have a suggestion for you: why don't you market a videotape filled with those animated ads? This would benefit you in several ways. Obviously, it would generate cash from these otherwise unmarketed animations. But in addition to that, each tape would be brimming full with nothing but advertising for your product.
Also, this idea seems a natural extension of a network which, beautifully, is nearly pure advertising. It fits your concept. But most importantly, the fact that people will buy this videotape, filled with your own propaganda, solely because you tell them that they should, is an opportunity for mass domination not to be missed.
Tom, I think we understand each other. And I think you see the beauty in this scheme. If you carry it out, please send me a copy of the tape. I want in on the joke, and I love those animations. And that way, I won't have to miss out on them for fear of having to sit through yet another Madonna video.
In awe of your worldwide influence,
Guy Petzall.

20.May.1993
Editors
The New York Times
229 West 43rd Street
New York, New York 10036

I love subscribing to and reading your paper. The only problem with it that I have is a stack of old, grey-and-yellowing papers ever increasing in my apartment, and the motivation to load my car full of them and drive nobly off to a recycling center dwindles more and more as the stack grows higher and higher, heavier and heavier.
So I had an idea.
You could offer, as an extra service with extra fee, newspaper pick-up as well as newspaper delivery. Every morning at 5:30 when little Johnny makes his rounds, delivering the news du jour to the world's doorstep, he could also take a few additional moments to collect the papers which he distributed just the day before. They could be in a special box designed just for this purpose.
I think this idea would work because a) you could charge for it and therefore lose no money on it; b) you would be able to recycle your own paper, thus saving you the cost of buying new or third-party recycled paper; c) a larger percentage of your newspapers would be recycled, creating a clean and healthy world where trees could feel safer; and d) the American people are both lazy and constantly on the lookout for any way they can relieve either their responsibilities or their consciences. This plan would alleviate both.
So please at least consider this idea. The stack of papers in my house is almost taller than me.
Thanks for your time,
Guy Petzall.

20-October-1991
H M Gousha
A DIvision of Simon & Schuster, Inc
15 Colombus Circle
New York, New York 10023
Gentlemen...
Ihave just returned home from a three week trip in which your 1991 Mobil Road Atlas and Trip Planning Guide came in more than handy -- it was a necessary element of the journey. My friend and i couldn't have gone all the places we did without it, and it is a very good tool for road trips.
In light of my extended use of your product (and this is by no means the first time I've used it), I have two comments to make regarding your atlas.
Firstly, I'd like to say that it was not until we were literally driving away from Mount Rushmore that we noticed the picture on the back of your atlas of that giant mountain sculpture. The picture you printed did the monument a great service in its vivid portrayal of a masterpiece of artistic design and technological accomplishment, but it also did the memorial as great a disservice, in that you printed it backwards. I didn't take any pictures of the mountain, and I forgot to buy a postcard, but if you accept the US Postal Service as a good enough authority, then so do I, and if you'd look at this official US Postage Stamp, you will see the proper order of the presidents from left to right: Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, Lincoln.
Apart from this error, your atlas is great, so thanks very much for helping us coordinate such a fun and adventuresome trip, and please give your cartographic division a pat on the back for me.
Honestly,
Guy Petzall.

3.October.1992
President
The Happy Humpers
11510 Montgomery Road
Beltsville, Maryland 20705
Dear sir,
Until recently I had never given much thought to the music of Englebert Humperdinck. For me he was just a funny name, something to chuckle over in music stores. That was before -- before I found out about your organization, that you exist and congregate in order to adore and admire the work of Mr. Humperdinck, and I thought to myself, "Now, if enough people think that he's good enough to start a fan club for, perhaps there is something promising behind that funny name; maybe his music is excellent; it could be that I'm missing out on a whole phenomenon. Wow. I'd better investigate."
Thus, in the interest of fairness to you, myself, and Mr. Humperdinck, I decided to write you and ask your professional opinion: which of the Humper's numerous albums would be the best introduction to his ¶uvre? Is there one quintessential Humperdinck masterpiece not to be missed? And as an expert Humpophile, what do you suggest that I should listen for in the music in order to enjoy it most thoroughly?
If you respond to these questions, I promise that I will listen to Mr. Humperdinck's music for the first time with an open mind, and that I will write you again afterwards to let you know if you've converted me into yet another Happy Humper.
Earnestly,
Guy Petzall.

sorry about the size of this scan, but I think the handwriting is worth it.

I did eventually go to see Englebert Humperdinck live... and then I didn't have the heart to write this nice lady with my opinion.