Paris, 6-decembre-1991

Dear Paul,

Far be it from me to tinker with other people's personal lives, but I couldn't help noticing that a girl who seems perfect for you had placed the ad right next to yours in the Parisian magazine J'Annonce. It seems to me that she fits all of your criteria, and you certainly seem to fit hers. What's more, you both live in California. It struck me as fate that you should meet one another, and therefore I am sending each of you the other's advertisement. If you two eventually do get together, I would be very pleased to hear about it. Let me know if you two fit together as well as the jagged bottom of your letter fits with the top of hers. I really hope that you two get along well.

Most sincerely,
Guy Petzall.








Paris, 6-decembre-1991

Dear Melissa,

Far be it from me to tinker with other people's personal lives, but I couldn't help noticing that a man who seems perfect for you had placed the ad right next to yours in the Parisian magazine J'Annonce. It seems to me that he fits all of your criteria, and you certainly seem to fit his. What's more, you both live in California. It struck me as fate that you should meet one another, and therefore I am sending each of you the other's advertisement. If you two eventually do get together, I would be very pleased to hear about it. Let me know if you two fit together as well as the jagged bottom of your letter fits with the top of his. I really hope that you two get along well.

Most sincerely,
Guy Petzall.







24.January.1992

INFO-ZET
Dr. Tsoumanis
POB 4158
CH-8022 Zurich

Dr. Tsoumanis...

I have just read your advertisement in the International Herald Tribune, and although I have no problems with inpotence and have never really felt the need for an operation to make my penis longer, I am very curious about what sort of surgical technique is employed in elongating a penis. I have heard of many different methods of penile extension, including hydraulic pumps and topical creams, but never anything so drastic as surgery. Do you add to the end of an existing penis? Do you graft someone else's penis tissue into the middle of the organ to be extended? Do you cut the penises off of corpses and use them in your technique? Or is it a surgical implant of a device which gets longer and longer over time, stretching the penis from within? As I said, I am made very curious by your intriguing claim. However, since I have no need for such an operation myself and am simply a curious bystander, I do not with to pay th 150 dollars requested in your ad for a videotape. I simply want a letter with some very general information about your undoubtedly amazing medical breakthrough.

Very sincerely,

Guy Petzall.



 


11.July.MVM

DejaVu, Inc.
PO Box 70159
Lansing, MI 48907

Hello there!

Driving across the country as I so often do, I am no longer surprised to see your billboards outside many of America's major urban centers. You are apparently doing very well as a franchised company, enveloping the nation in pulsing flesh, and I heartily congratulate you on your success.

I do, however, have one question regarding the selection of the name "DejaVu" for your enterprise. This strikes me as a rather odd choice of wording, since the French name "DejaVu" literally translates to the English "already seen." I'm sure you know that, just as I'm sure that you'll agree that the phrase "already seen" is very similar in meaning and structure to the phrase "previously viewed," a euphemism employed when video stores try to sell videos which are not new. This does not strike me as a rather odd choice of wording, since the sales-talk euphemism "previously viewed" literally translates to the English "used."

So, it seems to follow that when you advertise "DejaVu Showgirls," you are actually communicating a very different sentiment: "Used Showgirls," and while this may in fact be a selling point for much of the American public, it is not for me. When I go to see showgirls, I prefer that they don't look too used. It does, I think, detract from the fantasy environment you are banking upon.

But, since you seem to be doing so well regardless of this potential stumbling-block, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Deepest regards,

Guy Petzall.


 


10.march.1993

Ashland Service Center
2125 N. Ashland
Chicago 60615

Gentlemen

I just received the enclosed flier. It was tucked under the left windshield wiper of my car, and as you can see, it advises me to "get your car ready for Fall and Winter."

Now, I don't want to be nitpicky or anything, but today is the tenth of March. In eleven days, Spring will begin. Right now we are about as far away from Fall and Winter as we can ever be. It seems to me that there is nearly no time of year less appropriate for you to leave me such advice, which would be more fitting sometime in September.

At any rate, I am returning the flier to you, in hopes that you will hold onto it and return it to me once more at the right time.

I look forward to your future solicitations.

Guy Petzall.

 

2.sept.1

VFW Kingston
708 East Chester Street
P.O. Box 1711
Kingston, NY 12402-1711

Gentlemen:

As an American, I appreciate our Veterans of Foreign Wars, those noble soldiers who fought to protect and preserve the freedoms and precepts enumerated in the U.S. Constitution. They fought, and they suffered, for us. On so many fields of battle these gracious upholders of truth gave their blood and their lives, every single day, to defend what is so right about the United States.

I was therefore impressed and delighted when I saw your sign (photo enclosed). What a great idea: help others, and preserve American lives, by simply giving blood, not daily (as our valiant troops had to do), but only once a week, a just schedule for a just cause, and a healthy reminder of how much we have to be thankful for. The actual length of the blood-letting, five hours, did seem a bit excessive to me, I admit, but we asked no less of our fighting forces in so many foreign lands, and I understand that sacrifice is what holds a nation together. It came as no surprise to me that such a righteous program should take place at the VFW hall, and so, resolving to do my part for my country, I applied myself to your suggested regimen with zeal.

That was six weeks ago, and now, well, Iım really not feeling too good. Iım tired all the time, and my friends say I look paler than I ought to. Eating makes me dizzy, in fact pretty much everything I do makes me dizzy, and so finally last week I summoned up the energy to go see my family doctor. And do you know what he told me? He said that I should keep my blood for myself, that I should give less of it to others no matter how much they might need it, and that I was a fool to have heeded your advice, regardless of my best intentions.

Well. I was angry when I heard that, as you can rightly imagine! There I was, trying to do my patriotic duty as so many have done before me, and he tells me itıs a bad idea! I stormed out with as much show of indignation as my weakened state would allow, and went right on over to give yet another pint to the glorious cause.

And I want you to know that I will continue to do so. As long as red blood pumps through my heart, I will give it to help those in need, until my pale white skin turns blue. A good idea is a good idea, and I feel that I ought to thank you for this opportunity and for your good advice before all my strength is gone, and me with it, a fallen fighter for the just cause of American progress.

You honor our nation.

Thank you, thank you, and thank you again.

Guy Petzall.